Like everyone else I’ve been home for months but life has been very weird for me and our family. Before the coronavirus hit I was already in a funk or rather depressed and confused about my direction in life. I basically gave up my twig decor business to write Loving Tiara and once it was published my focus was promoting. Promoting yourself and your book is not fun, at least not for me. I hated it but I did it anyways. Hours and hours each day I would sit sending out emails to news agencies, bloggers, radio shows, tv shows anyone who might be interested in giving me press. I felt defeated and started to doubt whether my book was even worthy. I entered nine contests and the results have just started to come in. I haven’t won any yet which was even more depressing but I did receive feedback from the judges from the IPBA Benjamin Franklin Contest and my mood finally started to lift in regards to Loving Tiara.
One judge wrote :” This is a remarkable book, incredibly personal and heartbreaking but also inspiring. The author’s voice is open, honest, sharing, conversational and full of love. There is tremendous detail and the character development is full and engaging so readers become deeply connected with the story. Complex medical issues, situations and issues are described swell so lay readers can clearly understand them. The book has a pace and energy that move the reader along through the episodes and years and eep the reader turning pages. The story is painfully personal, and there are peaked emotions at every turn, yet the author did not overwrite in describing moments of fear or despair. There’s a level-handed tone that lets the reader infer and respond rather than the reader being told what to feel. Here’s hoping the book receives the broad exposure it deserves among audiences that can benefit most from the story and the measures taken by the author and her family. It truly is a story of pure love.”
That was my favorite review from a judge as well as some other ones that also lifted my spirits and reminded me that Loving Tiara was a good book. There were a few comments about the back cover font being difficult to read and a few other things that could be improved so I have decided to work on fixing those few issues so Loving Tiara is the best it can be. Because I am such a perfectionist, a trait that is difficult on the soul, I often don’t feel of value unless I am constantly doing something. I don’t feel worthy of love unless I earn it. Sad but true.
During this pandemic I’ve spent more time than usual reflecting on why I am the way I am. I’ve realized it is very difficult for me to find joy or happiness without accomplishing something, and the joy is very short lived. For example when I started feeling sad a few weeks into Covid I decided to paint my master bathroom which has been bothering me for years. I painted the walls, painted the hardware a brushed gold and at the end of the day I felt happy. I completed a task and despite a sore neck and hands, I was happy.
The next morning again I was happy until I walked into the kitchen to make my coffee and looked at the paint. Ugh, I needed to paint the kitchen too. Immediately my emotions switched from happiness to frustration because I needed to paint the kitchen, dining room and hallway because I could now see how shabby they looked after repainting the bathroom. I was tired but decided to tackle the job anyways since all my painting stuff was already readily accessible. I finished all the walls but the hallway and have yet to complete it. After three days of painting I put everything away and decided to give my neck and hands a break. For the next few days I couldn’t do much because my body wouldn’t allow it so again I was sad. Hmmmm, it appears I need to listen to the advice I hear often: “I am enough just as I am.” When I hear this spoken I always think:” exactly, God made us to be who we are meant to be and that’s enough. But then my thoughts travel and my subconscious says “but you Tiffani are meant to do more. God gave you a lot of talents so it is your job to use them.” I need to do more and then I will feel happy.
Deciding I will now take out all the bushes! 
Fighting with the huge stump! 
Everything is gone, except the stump…
After a few days of “rest” I decided to tackle the looming cypress tree that blocked the sun and invited critters into the back left corner of our yard. I knew if it was removed the yard would feel more spacious and cleaner. I borrowed my father in laws electric saw and got to work late one afternoon. Once I managed to break the blade and had cut down all the branches possible without needing a ladder, I stopped for the night. The next morning I went in search of a new blade and learned I could buy a much longer one which would help my project move quicker. Once Lou saw the results he agreed to help with the last few large branches the following day when he was off from work. Once I removed the tree, I realized that all the shrubs surrounding it should also be taken out. I was dreading this task but Lou urged me on, so I did it. The final job was to remove the stump. I wasn’t going to attempt it because I figured it would be impossible but Lou thought we could do it together. Unfortunately he was wrong and after two days of hard labor, we gave up. We cut the stump until it was flush with the dirt and not visible and considered the job done. I planted iceberg roses, added soil and seed to the grass and thought I was done. With the tree gone the backyard looked so much cleaner and better that I decided we should string some lights. Best decision ever! I am shocked how much I love sitting outside each night, laying on the couch, looking up at my favorite tree through the lights. The other night I told Trinity and Lou: “If I fall asleep out here, make sure you wake me up and bring me inside !” I have almost given up watching tv at night to stare up in the sky.
My favorite tree I love to stare at while resting on my outdoor couch.
Anyways, aside from all the gardening, I haven’t done anything creative except help Trinity redecorate her room.
We added wallpaper and new paint 
Yellow walls, her favorite color and peel and stick wallpaper from Target.
I haven’t been able to write a blog post or work on my next book. I’ve been totally stuck. I forced myself to write this post and I’m glad that I did. I’m not really going to mention what has been going on in our world except to say I did participate in a peaceful protest and I’m praying that racism will end sooner rather than later. I’ve stopped watching and listening to the news because my heart can no longer take the pain. I am still on social media but have stopped commenting on anything political or related to the coronavirus. It’s all just become too much for me.
On a positive note, Trinity graduated from high school and her school put on a beautiful parking lot ceremony which was better than I could ever have expected. Her and I are leaving on a road trip today up to the Giant Sequoia National Forest and Yosemite for a few days. Poor Louie has to stay home and work.
That’s it for now and I hope you all have been okay during this difficult time in our lives.
Live, love and laugh, like it’s your last…
XOXO tiffani
You are an inspiration