what keeps you awake at night?

My thoughts of Tabitha and Trinity having an asthma attack and dying are a pretty constant worry for me, which tend to keep me up in the middle of the night, if I am not already up with Tiara.  Last night on the way home from a family birthday celebration Trinity started in on her asthma cough.  Over and over again.  With each cough my anxiety level rose.  I hate hearing my children cough, it is a signal of bad things to come, and I dread the sound.  As irrational as it is, I actually get angry when my kids cough.

She then proceeded to tell me that during her run at junior lifeguards that day, she felt like she was going to pass out and couldn’t breathe.  Oh, great.  She then said, ” I tried to stop and take a break, but my instructor yelled at me, to keep running.”  “Did you tell him you were having an asthma attack,” I asked.  “No, I just kept going but I felt really bad.”  Ok, then, you did the same thing Tabitha always did, ignore your body and just keep going.  All of my old fears instantly resurfaced and I started obsessing on my girl’s asthma.

When Tabitha was a little girl and first diagnosed with asthma, I wasn’t really worried.  The pediatrician gave us an inhaler and said to use it if she needed it.  Wow, lots of education there.  It wasn’t until she stopped playing goalie and became a middle on the soccer field that her asthma became a big problem.  I remember one game, she kept having to sit out and said she felt like she was going to pass out.  She was coughing but neither of us realized she was having an asthma attack because she hadn’t used her inhaler in so long or hadn’t complained of chest tightness, we didn’t even recognize what was going on.  After the game, which she insisted on finishing, I drove her to the walk in clinic.  I will never forgot that day and the lecture the doctor gave us.  He had her blow into a peak flow meter and she was in the red zone.  He was livid and said if she didn’t respond to a breathing treatment he was going to admit her to the hospital.  He then proceeded to tell us a story about his medical school friend, whose wife died from an asthma attack.  Anyway, he put the fear of God in me, but apparently not Tabitha.

From then on she always used her inhaler before, during and after all of her sporting events, but she then told me “I had to use my inhaler so much, it felt like I was going to have a heart attack!”  “Really, maybe you should stop running and tell someone you need a break.”  “I am not going to do that Mom, how stupid!” she always said.   I know, staying alive over playing a game is so stupid.  By the time she got to high school and started playing volleyball my fears only escalated.  Her coach, who is notorious for his insane workouts, worked the girls so hard it was beyond belief.  After the first time she turned purple running lines in the gym and her teammates forced her to stop, I sent him an email.  I explained that if he did not keep an eye on her she would literally die on his court because she wouldn’t stop unless he told her to.  He is a really great guy, and thanked me and said he always appreciated what a hard worker she was but didn’t realize she had such serious asthma.  Of course he didn’t because Tabitha never told him how bad it was.  We finally had her tonsils and adenoids taken out in her junior year and it changed her whole life for the better.  She could breathe for the first time in her life.  She still had asthma but nothing like before.

And now, I have Trinity pulling the same crap Tabitha did in regards to her asthma and so I couldn’t sleep last night.  I woke up around 1am and was obsessing about the “Monster Mile” for Juniuor Lifeguards, which is this Thursday.  The kids run and swim a mile.  Last year Trinity completed the event and was thrilled beyond belief with herself.  She then admitted to me that during the swim, she was so tired, she was afraid she would drown. She just kept praying to God to keep her alive and let her finish.  Wow, another determined child that I need to worry about.  And so this is what I was awake worrying about,  when Tiara decided she to wasn’t able to sleep either.

I have noticed when I don’t sleep well, those are the nights Tiara tends to get up and never go back to sleep.  Maybe she senses my stress or I am tossing and turning and I wake her up?  Or maybe it is the fact I keep getting up and walking around the house?  Either way, I was up from 1am until 5am because once she was awake she refused to go back to sleep.  So needless to say, I am tired again to today and still worried about Thursday. 

Have a great first day of August, the summer is just flying by….