I hate to admit this but Lou and I have gotten really old, or at least I bodies feel old. Lou is always complaining about his back and neck hurting, especially after he has spent a few hours alone with Tiara. As a result, a few months ago, while at Target, I saw some generic BenGay and thought, “hey, maybe this will help Louie’s back.” So I bought it for him and now he is totally addicted to it. The second he gets home from work, he changes his clothes and puts a bunch of that stuff on his neck. I guess most people hate the smell, but we like it and it is really great for clearing out your sinuses.
Anyway, most nights when he is home, he rubs it on my back and neck because I am always in pain, too. Last night my legs were aching again and he offered to rub it on the backs of my legs while we were in the family room watching TV. I always say, “no, that’s OK, I don’t feel like laying on my stomach right now.” Being the salesman that he is, he never gives up. He convinces me to let him rub it on my legs. I know he cares about my leg pain but we all know, he is really just trying to cop a feel. Nevertheless, I always consent and low and behold last night he declared “Oh, my God, what happened to your ass, Tiffani” “What? What are you talking about?” “You have all these red, black and blue marks on your bottom!” he said. Well since I can’t see, the bottom of my ass, I have no idea.” I then tried to crane my neck and see what he was talking about but it was virtually impossible.
I said, “take a picture with my phone so I can see it!” Well, the picture was frightening and I immediately deleted it, so no one could ever see it again. Clearly at this point, you can see we both had been drinking wine and were laughing pretty hard about the crazy marks on my body. Lou then said ” it is like your butt is sagged and the weight pushed against the skin and bruised it.”
I then laughing yelled, “What the F— are you saying? My butt is suddenly so large and saggy it is actually bruising my skin?” You are insane and probably drunk because I haven’t gained any weight and I think that is pretty impossible!” He just looked at me and said, “I’m sorry, but I just don’t know where you got the bruises? Did Tiara hit you on both sides of your butt?” “No, Lou, I am thinking it must have been from the picnic benches at the park.” “Oh, that makes sense since you have a bony sharp butt” Humm, how can I have a bony sharp butt and an ass that is so saggy it bruises my skin? I then declared, ” you are so dead right now and I’m going to blog about it tomorrow, so everyone knows what a whack job you are! Love you and good night!”
Luckily I am secure enough to just laugh it off. Hope you laughed as hard as me.
