Today is supposed to be Tiara’s 22nd birthday. I can’t believe her last birthday celebration was six years ago. She was so happy as we sang to her and she snuck her fingers into the frosting, thinking I didn’t notice. Birthdays and the day she passed are always the hardest followed by Christmas and Thanksgiving. I’m not sure if we will be celebrating tonight. Usually we have a family dinner and sing happy birthday to her, but I know Lou has to work and I’m not sure the girls will be around. I guess we will play it by ear and see how the day unfolds. I know Trinity and I will drive thru McDonald’s and get a diet coke and chicken nuggets in her honor.
Things haven’t been good at the Goff house for the past six months. There have been lots of ups and downs but most recently downs. Unfortunately I can’t share what is going on, but I’m hopeful things will be getting better soon. My heart has been broken more than I thought possible. I have started to question why God thinks I need to learn so many lessons and why does he think I’m this strong. I’ve nearly been broken the past few weeks but somehow I keep moving forward. I know Tiara has been close watching over us which is why I keep crying out of the blue. Whenever her soul is close the tears just flow. I’m actually crying right now as I write this. My heart feels heavy for all my girls and all they have endured during their lives.
Trauma is a tricky thing. You think you are making it through and coping well and then something happens and your pile of “stuff” comes crashing to the ground and you don’t even know how to put the pile back together. And then you realize, you don’t need or want the pile of crap. You need to sort through it and get rid of most everything. But how do you get rid of the stuff that hurts your soul and keep the stuff that lightens the burdens. I guess you don’t get rid of the bad stuff, you just learn how to cope with them and use them to propel you into a better place. I tend to cope by going into the garden and start weeding or digging up something that seems impossible to remove. I physically exert myself to get out all the hurt.
Last week I went into the back yard and start digging out all the clay soil that is preventing my grass from growing. Lou came home from work and saw what I had done and just shook his head and then asked me this:
Lou: “Why are you doing all this digging when your neck hurts so bad? Haven’t you learned from your aunt and mom that you are ruining your body by working so hard?”
Me: “I can’t help it! When I’m sad or this stressed it’s the only thing that makes me feel better. Yes, I’m in pain and yes and I can barely walk right now after digging for 5 hours but I don’t know what else do.”
Lou: “I’m sorry, I’m just worried about you.”
Me: ” I know babe, but I’m not sure what else to do.”
A few days after my digging I went to see my physical therapist for my normal session.
Him: “Why are your shoulders so tight and lifted? They weren’t like that last week.”
Me: “I know. I spent 5 hours digging up clay soil in my yard.”
Him: ” Why would you do that? We are suppose to be trying to fix your neck”
Me: ” Because I had to,” I signed.
The massage therapist then tried to soften the knots in my neck that may have been more dense than the soil I dug up. I haven’t been to the office again. I missed my next session, two days later as another trauma occurred at our house and I couldn’t leave. I’m not sure if I should even bother going back. My orthopedic told me last week that the chiropractor couldn’t fix me neck, only surgery could fix it. The physical therapy is just to try and alleviate some pain. Oh well, I’ll deal with it later.
On the brighter side of this depressing post a few good things have happened lately. Tabitha and Chandler set a wedding date, May 15 and they are having a small family wedding at Chandler’s brother’s house, which has gorgeous views. So the wedding plans have commenced and my creative decorating juices are flowing as it is going to be a DIY wedding for all the decor. Yesterday during the wind storm I was out collecting all the tree branches that fell so I can make an arbor for the nuptials.
Sorry for the downer post but it’s been my reality lately.
Happy Birthday to my sweet TT. Hope you are having fun in Heaven. I love you my sweet girl….
xoxo tiffani
Love you so much my friend ❤️
I am so sorry for all that you are experiencing Tiff. I wish I could help relieve some of your pain. It is too much for one person. I wish I could give you a hug but I am sending you so much love.