Sparkly and Sober

Since my last post, lots of changes have happened in my life! If I was telling you this story in person I would skip around from one subject to another pulling them all together with my over exaggerated hand gestures and facial expressions, but since I’m writing and you can’t ask me questions, I’ll go chronological. Let’s go back to June 29th and start there.

Visions and Dreams on Newport Blvd was having a psychic fair on June 29 and I had put it on my calendar, when I received the email weeks ago. It was basically an open house with all the healers and psychics that normally work there, offering discounted readings and sessions all day Saturday. Well, Tabitha and I could hardly wait, but Trinity had no interest in attending with us. Tabitha, Chandler, Grandma Cindy and I all showed up at 11am and signed up with different readers/healers. I happen to pick this woman named Charity who was a healer. I wasn’t sure what that meant, but I was open it being healed!

Charity showed me into a room and had me lay down on a massage type table. She put on a sound frequency which is apparently the same frequency as the sun and asked me to relax and take deep breaths. She asked me right away if “I worked with the angels.” I said, “No, I don’t work with angels, but my daughter who passed away is my own personal angel.” She instantly brightened up and said “Oh, your daughter is here! She is so excited so keeps saying: “I love my beautiful Mom, I love my beautiful Mom.”” I instantly got tears in my eyes and then she said: “I am seeing the most beautiful turquoise color, I can’t even describe its beauty, it’s overwhelming!” Well for those of you who don’t know, Tiara was buried in a turquoise casket and it is her signature color. I was holding back full blown happy tears at this point, because I knew TT was right next to me. I could feel her joy, her love and her absolute presence. Charity started at my heart Chakra and worked her up to my third eye, not totally sure what that all means, but I felt amazing during the process. As the session progressed Charity said: ” I see you sitting with a book in your hands. Are you writing a book?” “Yes, I am!” She then said:” You need to finish the book and it must be from you. It is going to help so many people. I see it being published and read and you are going to write more books.” I told her that my deadline for the first draft was September 11 and she encouraged me to meet the deadline. She said I had lots of angels looking over me, not just Tiara, and they were all cheering me on. When I stood up at the end of the 30 minute session, I was very light headed and light feeling. She sprayed me with some essential oils to ground me and I left the session feeling so connected to Tiara, to God and all my other angels. That feeling had me smiling all day.

On Sunday after church Kendelina’s Mom dropped her off at my house and we spent the day together until I drove her home around 4pm. She loves spending time with me and my girls, so in order to avoid stress and anxiety on her part, I have agreed to reserve the last Sunday of every month as our time together. People with autism get really anxious and stressed if they want to do a specific activity and they don’t have a definite time and place as to when the activity will next occur. Anyways, The girls and I took her out to lunch at El Ranchito because she loves Mexican food and then Tabitha and I drove her around to meet different members of our family. It was a really nice weekend until Sunday night.

I was sitting on the couch with Lou watching tv and I received a phone call. I picked up the phone and someone in my family was screaming and yelling at me. This person would not listen to anything I had to say and was so irate, I finally just hung up on them. This person called me back and I let it go to voicemail. This person left an extremely hateful voicemail and basically told me I was not a Christian, was a liar, was a gossip, and was no longer welcome in their home unless I apologized to this person. This wasn’t a new scenario and it was something our immediate family has been dealing with for years. I then spent the next hour sobbing to Lou.

I poured myself another vodka, during my nonstop crying and finally stopped crying to zone out and watch tv. I suddenly felt sick and ran to the bathroom to throw up. This is the 2nd time since January that I have suddenly throw up from drinking too much. I can blame it on not eating enough or a thousand other things, but the truth is I was extremely upset, so I poured another drink, of which I shouldn’t have done. The next morning Lou suggested I stop drinking vodka and switch back to wine because that never happened when I drank wine. The next night I decided not to drink anything and I survived, even though I was still sad and had endured another hateful voicemail, but I didn’t turn to my vodka for solace.

I woke up the next morning, July 4th, and was going through my emails and found an email from Danette May. It was all about wine. Now, of course I know wine is fattening and full of natural sugar BUT what I didn’t know was this: “Most vineyards are sprayed with pesticides, herbicides and fungicides to protect their crops from insects and infection. These chemicals get in the soil, the grapes and ultimately in the wine you drink. Grapes are near the top of the “dirty dozen” foods sprayed with the most chemicals. Unlike other fruits that have a protective rind, you don’t eat… grapes have a thin and porous skin. this means they absorb the chemicals sprayed on them. And because wine is concentrated from so many grapes (600-800per bottle) the end result is a condensed source of harmful cancer promoting chemical compounds.”

And if that isn’t bad enough I then go on to read:”In the US, wine producers can use 76 different additives in wine without disclosing any of them on the bottle. Things like: defoaming agents, artificial coloring, extra sugar, high fructrose corn syrup, ammonia, GMO bacteria and yeasts,” and the list goes on and on. So why don’t we know this information? Because wine has no ingredients label and isn’t required to! This made me so mad!

Why was I downing 16 oz of organic celery juice each morning, avoiding dairy, sugar and gluten, and consuming large amounts of green leafy vegetables everyday, if I was continuing to drink wine with all this crap in it? It’s not rational! I was so mad but once again, I decided to drink wine on the 4th of July and forgo my vodka. Clearly, I have a problem! I didn’t drink too much and went to bed early but was thinking about my drinking dilemma. I switched to vodka a few months ago because it was healthier than wine and I have lost 10 pounds but it isn’t good for me either because I threw up twice and it doesn’t really relax me the same as wine does. You can find great organic wine which is low in sugar from this new company called Dry Farm Wines but it is expensive and I can’t afford it.

So much stress and worry trying to figure out how to numb myself out cheaply and safely each night. This is getting ridiculous Tiffani! The thought which has been popping up in my head for several years, to the point of annoyance, came through loud and clear: “MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST STOP DRINKING TIFFANI?” I Know! I have thought about this for several years but the thing is, once I announce something out loud to myself and the rest of my world, it becomes my truth. So if I say, I’m going to stop drinking, I will and I wasn’t sure if that is what I wanted? I turned off my lights, got into bed and was scrolling through Instagram until I fell asleep and I saw a post from Brene Brown. This was the post:

Sparkly and Sober! I had never heard anyone combine those 2 words and I was obsessed. I love being sparkly and want to be even more sparkly. Plus, even though I’m a huge fan of hers, I had no idea she was sober. How could Brene Brown be sober and I not know about it? I feel asleep thinking about this post. When I woke up in the morning I was still thinking about it. I kept thinking that I needed to be less numbed out so I could finish my book which needs to be done by September 11. I told myself that if I saw another sign I would quit drinking. I have been reading this book my mother in law gave me and have been really focused on reading the signs around me.

I texted my friend and asked if we could walk, in a while. She said sure and I got in my car and drove towards her house. As I was driving down Harbor Blvd a van passed me on the left and stopped next to me at a signal. I look over and see this logo plastered on the back and side of the van.

If that wasn’t a sign, I don’t know what is?

I knew at that moment I had to quit drinking if I wanted to accomplish everything I wanted to accomplish in the last third of my life. Yes, I know I’m an alcoholic but I’m not a mean drunk, I don’t act embarrassing in front of people, I don’t drink and drive, I don’t ignore my kids and go out partying. I basically sit at home and drink a bottle of wine or 4 vodkas and then go to bed at 9:30 or 10:00, and I’m up by 6:30am. The problem is that I want more out of the last part of my life. I want to finish my book and write more books. I want to be an inspirational speaker and travel sharing my story. I’m turning 50 in September and I’m running out of time, so God is letting me know, that if I want to use this last part of my life wisely, I need to give up the booze and stop numbing myself out. When I started drinking wine daily it was to deal with the stress of raising Tiara and my other 2 girls. But when Tiara was alive, I didn’t have the luxury of drinking an entire bottle each night, because I was responsible for keeping her alive. It was only after she passed away that my nightly wine consumption increased to a bottle and I don’t really have the same excuse as before. Lou and I are basically empty nesters. Yes, I work a ton, but I love working, it makes me happy. I’m not driving a million places, organizing schedules and trying to get dinner on the table. It’s just me, Lou and Trinity and Trinity drives herself everywhere. My life has gotten really easy and I don’t have any reason that I should need to drink a bottle of wine each night. Actually, that’s a bold face lie!

There are some family issues, which I can’t divulge, that could cause a person to drown in alcohol, but I’ve decided I’m done trying to resolve these issues. These people are done with me and I’m done trying to be who I’ll never be, so they can accept me. I’ve tried for years to fix the situation but no matter what I do or don’t do, it’s always my fault and they think I’m horrible. Everything my readers love about me, they hate. My honesty, openness, my vulnerability to tell my truth whether it’s pretty or ugly, that’s me and I don’t plan on changing. I’ve been reading self help books and working on who I am, since I was in 8th grade and there is no going back now. I’ll keep praying for them and leave the rest up to God at this point. Tiara reminded me when I was at the healer, that when you die, you aren’t really gone. If these issues never gets resolved in this life, I guess we will have a chance to figure it out on the other side or in another lifetime. I have only so many lessons I can endure in this lifetime, and I’m pretty sure I’m close to my quota.

Ohh, back to my drinking issue…. Many of you might think, well just drink on the weekends? I’m no good at that either. I’m pretty much a drink everyday or not at all, kinda gal, so for now, I’m embracing being sparkly and sober. It actually hasn’t been that bad, except the sleep part. I have never been a good sleeper and now it has gotten worse but I’m taking my deep sleep supplements and they seem to be helping some. I’m only on day 4 but like everything else in life, I’m taking it one day at a time!

xoxo tiffani