Wednesday, January 15 was the five year anniversary of Tiara’s passing. Every year I do the same thing on January 15. I have the 8:00 am mass said in her honor which I attend, I visit her grave and then I mope around. This year was a little different. I called the church office two weeks prior to arrange for the mass to be said in Tiara’s honor but the fifteenth was already taken!
“Rita, how can the 15th be taken? I can’t do another date. This is a disaster, what am I going to do?” I was truly panicking.
“Well, Tiffani, you know Tiara is already in eternal Heaven and the 13th, 14th, and 16th are available so you can choose one of those dates. It will be okay.” Rita said.
“No, it’s not okay. I’m so confused, I don’t know which date to pick. Should I do the 14th or the 16th?” I was totally freaking out and had to talk myself through picking another date.
” I guess Thursday the 16th will have to work. I’ll go to Mass and then to SOUL. I’ll just go to Mass both days,” I said to Rita.
“Okay then, I put her down for Mass on the 16th,” said Rita.
“Thank you,” I said with a defeated sigh, as I hung up the phone.
I was so mad at myself for not calling the church earlier, but it was in the middle of the week and I had taken that date for the past 4 years without a problem. I was also mad at the person who had taken the fifteenth. I had even contemplated asking Rita to call them and change there date, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen.
As the fifteen loomed I was still confused and frustrated that my yearly routine was going to be different.
On the night of the fourteenth, Trinity came home from a friend’s house and was already crying in anticipation of the following day. That got me crying, which is very rare for me. I cry when I’m happy, not sad, but that evening I went to bed hugging a framed picture of Tiara while sobbing hysterically. We all woke up early and Trinity wanted to snuggle on the couch with me, so I didn’t feel like I should leave her and rush off to Mass since the Mass wasn’t even going to be in Tiara’s honor.
I wanted to spend more time with Trin before she left for school, so I decided I would go to Mass at 8:30 at St John the Baptist, down the street instead of leaving the house at 7:30 to attend Mass at Our Lady of Mount Carmel. After snuggling with Trin, making her breakfast and all three of us sharing stories about Tiara, Lou and I went to Mass.
As the priest started the homily he started speaking about a wonderfully inspirational man he had met the night before. This man was a professional surfer whose son had a tragic accident at 15 years old and passed away. I looked over at Lou in disbelief. How weird is that? It appeared there was a reason God wanted us in that particular church on that particular day.
After Mass, Trinity started texting me from school.
“Tiffani, I want to come home.”
“Tiffani, I’m miserable.”
“Tiffani, I’m sitting on the field for a fire drill and I’m so sad.”
“I SEE YOU READING MY MESSAGES TIFFANI.”
Yes, both she and Tabitha think it is funny calling me Tiffani, so they both do it regularly. As for the barrage of texts from Trinity while at school, this is a rather common occurrence. Trinity texts me from school daily and at least several times a month begs to come home. I usually respond with:
“Sorry babe, but you have to stay at school. Love you!”
On this particular day, Lou said I should let her come home, so I did. We went to Tiara’s grave together, Trinity performed a Tik Tok dance next to the headstone, Tiara would have loved that, we left a red rose from our garden and then left. It’s so weird but I can’t feel her at all when we visit the grave, so it seems pointless to stay for more than 5 minutes.
After picking up lunch, Tabitha came over and we stared at each other for a while. Lou had already left for work, neither girl wanted to go for a walk or go to the movies. It was so depressing. I really wanted to buy a dozen donuts and start stuffing my face but I didn’t. Tabitha has inherited my skin issues but they are more severe, so she went to the doctors to deal with the rash that has taken over her body. Trinity went to her friend’s house and I took a nap. I just wanted the day to be over.
How is it possible that my child has already been gone from this world for 5 years? Sometimes it feels like she has been gone forever and then other times it feels like just yesterday. Time is a funny thing, it never quite does what you want it to do. It never gives you more of itself, it doesn’t stop, it doesn’t turn back, and it doesn’t change, no matter what you do.
On a more positive note, if you haven’t purchased Loving Tiara yet because you have read all my blog posts and you think you already know the story, I promise you it is very different from anything I have written. Even my best friends and family members learned something new about our family while reading the book. If you haven’t read it because you think it will be too sad, I’ve been told it is “more funny and inspirational than sad.”
I am hosting a giveaway on Goodreads starting this Sunday, so you can enter the contest for a chance to win Loving Tiara if you haven’t bought it already and enjoy ebooks. I’ll be giving away 100 copies of the ebook version. I’ll post the details on social media on Sunday.
Wishing you all a wonderful weekend!
xoxo tiffani
