Since my last post, things haven’t been great for me. Luckily I recovered fairly quickly from the dog bite and was able to walk Friday morning without pain which is one of the few positives. I spent Friday on the computer sending emails trying to get some more press for Loving Tiara and creating ads for Amazon. Such depressing work.
At 4:30 p.m. I realized I needed to get up from the computer, feed the dog, walk the dog and get ready as I was going out for a friend’s birthday. Going out at night is really hard for me but I’m trying to be more social and accept the invitations I receive. Of course, I had no idea what I was going to wear and dreaded thinking about it. The first 25 years of my life revolved around what I wore and how I looked and the last 25 years have been about being comfortable in my clothes. Anyways, I decided to wear a pair of white/cream wide-legged pants I bought on sale at Anthropologie the week before. I never wear white pants but Tabitha said they looked good on me and since I bought them a size too big they were loose enough not to show any butt cellulite. I buy all my clothes too big because I hate anything too fitted which drives Tabitha a bit crazy but I refuse to wear my size.
I paired the pants with a black top, which is what I wear pretty much every day of my life and was in a Lyft within 30 minutes. Dinner was fun and everything was great until it was time to leave and I was waiting for my Lyft to arrive. Tammy looked at me and said: “what is all over your pants?”
“Where?”
“All down the back of your leg.”
I look over my right shoulder down at the calf of my pants to see 4 large red/black stains.
“What are those? They look like red wine but no one at our table was drinking red wine,” I said to Tammy.
I lifted up my pant leg to reveal the dog bite. My leg wasn’t bleeding but the wound was still fresh and it was possible it was the cause of the stains. I then decided the booth must have had old soy sauce or something against it because my leg couldn’t have bled that much. I’m not sure what the heck was on my pants but I was instantly regretting buying the cream pants because I suck at getting out stains. I’m the worst laundry mom in the world. My kids give me hardly dirty clothes and I often find a way of ruining them in the washing machine. It’s baffling to me, but it’s true.
Anyways, once I got home I was determined to remove the stains. During the drive home I googled a recipe for removing blood or red wine. Thirty minutes later the stains were mostly gone and my hand was sore from scrubbing. The next morning I awoke to find the stains were completely gone as was the cream color that once resided in those areas. UGH! So now I had white patches instead of red stains, but I’m thinking no one will notice them if I ever bother to wear the pants again. Wearing light-colored pants is a bit too stressful for me at this point in my life.
Saturday I worked and took another walk but I was really moody and very unhappy. Almost depressed feeling. When I’m not insanely busy with a project I tend to get depressed easily. If any of you know my husband personally you know that he is genuinely one of the nicest people on the planet. Well, the poor man has been the recipient of my mood as I have been on the verge of murdering him when he talks, looks at me or even breathes. I started to feel so horrible I realized I might be sinking into a real depression or maybe menopause was the culprit. I’ve been in menopause for a few years and it’s been great. A few hot flashes, night sweats but no monthly period, so I think it’s fabulous, until now. I remember my mother being extra crazy during menopause so maybe that was my problem?
Monday morning I went to long spine with Lou, which is the class we take at Newport Wellness to help with his back issues and my neck pain. After class I told the physical therapist that my neck had been hurting even more than usual and I wasn’t sure if I needed an x-ray or not. She didn’t think I did and explained my neck pain from stemming from other areas of my body that were tight. For some reason, by the end of Monday, my pain had increased. I woke up Tuesday morning and could barely get out of bed. I forced myself out of bed and was trying to make the coffee when I almost fell to the floor when a stabbing pain seared through my body while trying to pull open the utensil drawer. I started sobbing and Lou rushed over to me and helped guide me to the couch where I proceeded to cry ugly tears for 10 minutes. I was crying about the pain and how unhappy I had become.
” I’m not sure what is wrong with me. I’m so upset and sad and now I can’t even move.”
Lou: ” I’ve been worried about you since you finished your book. You know how sad you get when you aren’t overly busy.
Me: “Sometimes I think I have been keeping myself excessively busy for 25 years to avoid feeling depressed. I don’t even know how to have fun. When you work all weekend I sit home alone working on the computer instead of spending time with my friends. Maybe I never grieved Tiara and that’s what this is? Whatever it is, I hate it!” I don’t like feeling like this!”
Lou:” I know babe. You know I love you and I’ll do whatever you need me to do.”
Me: “I know you love me but you don’t understand me. I sometimes feel like I’m the only person in the world that thinks like me. Everyone disappoints me in some way and I hate feeling disappointed.”
Lou: ” You are right. I really don’t understand you half of the time but I always love you.”
Me: ” I don’t even know what I’m doing with my life? I’m not selling enough books and if I quit promoting it, I will sell even less and then not enough people will hear Tiara’s story. I have a few little decorating jobs but I can finish those in hours, but I don’t even know if I want more of those jobs. Maybe I should go get a regular job like other people? But then I’ll be giving up on my dream of becoming a best seller. Most people would just be happy to finish writing a book, but I’m not.”
Lou: ” You need to give yourself more time. It’s only been out since November 20. You’ve had 2 book events, an article published, you were in a podcast and you have an interview next week and another book event the week after. You are doing great.”
Me:” It doesn’t feel like it.”
Lou: “I love you and I want to talk to you more, but I have to go get ready for work, are you okay?”
Me: “I’m fine. “
After he walked out of the room, I got up and went to the kitchen to make his lunch. He had to work a 12-hour shift and I always send food with him on those long days. I canceled my walk with Rorie and went back to bed.
Two hours later, I forced myself out of bed, got dressed and drove myself to my physical therapist’s. I shuffled in and told her what had happened. Luckily she didn’t have another client and put me on the table and proceeded to work on me while teaching her next class because I was such a mess. I went home and fell back asleep for 30 minutes but had to get up for a doctor’s appointment.
For some reason, every time I get established with a doctor they stop carrying my insurance and I have to go find another set of doctors. Despite needing medication for my hypothyroidism, anxiety and high blood pressure, I for some reason consider myself healthy. I was hoping a new primary care physician would agree to take care of all three medications instead of finding 3 new doctors. My blood pressure is low while taking the medicine, I’ve been on Synthroid for at least 10 years and my anxiety/depression is somewhat controlled with a small dose of Lexapro. At least it was until recently. I met the new doctor who wasn’t a doctor but a physician’s assistant, which was fine with me and found out this first appointment was just a meet and get my lab slip. The next appointment would be the physical, which was better since I couldn’t move and could hardly talk. Now I just need to find a way to get myself to a lab in the morning without consuming a cup of coffee. The rest of the day I spent doing pretty much nothing. I didn’t even watch tv.
Wednesday I woke up still in pain but better than the day before, yay!!! Once I drank my coffee and sent Trinity off to school I wanted to crawl back in bed and sleep the day away but it was Ash Wednesday and I needed to go to church. I tried to convince myself I could go to mass at 5:00 but I knew I wouldn’t, so I forced myself to attend 8:30 am mass. After Mass, I went back to bed.
After I woke up from I started researching my medical plan to see if they covered therapy and or acupuncture because clearly I was in need of some help. Both are covered but I didn’t contact anyone or make any appointments.
By some miracle, I woke up Thursday morning and felt more like my old self. The pain was still present but I could move easier and the dark cloud over my head seemed to have disappeared/ minimized. I made everyone breakfast, prepared a dish to bring to bible study, showered, put on clean clothes and was out the door by 8:30 a.m. After bible study, I came home and contemplated a nap but forced myself to do something else. I got on the computer and started searching for a hotel for Lou and me for our anniversary tomorrow, 28 years. He has been asking me for weeks what I want to do and I keep saying nothing. He switched his work schedule around so he would be off on Saturday and yet I have refused to make a plan. You might be thinking “Why doesn’t he just make a plan and surprise you?” Because he knows me well enough not to do that. That would most likely implode on him. You see, I research, and attempt to find great venues at good prices. Lou, he doesn’t like to research or find a deal. He just calls the nicest place, pulls out his credit card, makes a reservation and doesn’t worry about the bill until I start screaming at him when I pay the bills with the money he earns. If he were to surprise me there is a good chance I would refuse to go and make him ask for a refund which goes against everything he believes in. I spend hours each month moving money around to save on interest rates and it just doesn’t feel right to spend money on a fancy dinner or night away if we have to use our credit cards.
I was feeling a bit bad for him because he wants to do something nice for me but I won’t let him. I’m really tough to please and I know. And then a miracle occurred.
I went to the mailbox at 5:30 pm and inside was a card from Auntie Connie. Along with a sweet anniversary card was a very extravagant cash gift honoring of our 7 years of marriage since we were married on leap year. OMG, “Louie, look what Connie sent us!!! We can go do something for our anniversary now!”
Lou: “Yes!”
And just like that God provided or rather Connie did and Louie and I are going to do something on Saturday to celebrate. I have decided that renting bikes in Temecula and riding from winery to winery sounds super fun and then spend the night in a hotel. Exercise, nature, and wine all combined make for a great day.
So, in conclusion, I’m not sure if my injury set off my depression, its menopause, grief or mercury is in retrograde but I’m dealing with it. Have a wonderful weekend and thanks for listening to me rant and complain.
live, love and laugh, like it’s your last…
xoxo tiffani
I am sorry you are sad Tiff! I wish I could give you a hug. I hope you and Lou have a fun time in Temecula. Happy 7th Anniversary. I love you BF.
Grief and menopause — you definitely could be suffering from depression. I’m not even a pop psychologist but all your activity, the pushing and striving most likely left you exhausted. If we are mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted, it’s no surprise our bodies shut down. I’ve been doing neurofeedback most weeks since September. I went hoping that it would help me with my focus — but the first thing I noticed was the lack of dread and foggy mind I carried around every morning. At my initial scan, she did not see brain waves correlating with anxiety or ADHD but she did say my brain looked like someone with post-traumatic stress. (resulting from parenting my kids through the last few years.) Maybe that could help you? Medication helped me as well for a few tough years. But since the kids are much more mentally healthy and stable, I’m trying to rewire my brain naturally. There are things that can help you. You can feel better. xoxox
Thanks for the advice, Jamie! I like the idea of neurofeedback, I’ll look into that! Raising kids can definitely cause post-traumatic stress syndrome. xoxo