tiffani goff

tiffani goff at home

I know how I will die…..

 
feeling so ugh today.....
I know this sounds rather morbid but it is something I think of often while driving around town with Tiara.  I envision myself driving when I am suddenly struck in the head with a flying object, my head hits the steering wheel, my car careens off the road and it crashes into a telephone pole killing  us both.  
 
Why would I have this crazy thought?  
 
Well, because it is a common occurrence for Tiara to throw things at me while I am driving.  She has a history of extreme violence towards me.  The violence was gone for a while after her brain surgery last year, but it has been increasing again and my old fears and thoughts have resurfaced.  Today while driving home from our walk she took off her UGG boot and threw it at my head.  Then she pulled my hair, jerking my head towards the passenger seat.  She probably pulls my hair 20 times a day, so I am pretty used to the pain, but some days I start to feel disheartened and sad.  
 
Today is one of those days.
 
Lou loves my long blond hair, but he used to beg me to cut it off because he just couldn’t stand her constantly pulling at my hair.  It was so hard for him to hear how much she would hurt me during the day while he was at work.  I try to keep my hair  pulled back, but she always finds a way to grab it.  I could cut it off, but then what?  She would probably just start pinching me more.  I hate when she pinches me under my arm more than anything, I just go crazy.  I think someone gave her a secret class on pinching techniques.  
 
You are probably wondering why I haven’t figured out how to control her.  Well, I have tried through the years; neuropsychologists, behaviorists, behavior meds, modification programs and nothing seems to work.  Put a kid on 4 different mind altering seizure drugs, add hormones, autism, developmental delay and multiple daily seizures to the mix and you have an explosion.  Prior to the hormones and the growth spurt, she was more manageable because I could physically control her, but now she is 5’1 and weighs 15 pounds less than me.  The last doctor who saw her in action, suggested I start lifting weights.  Really, that’s your answer?  
 
Well enough feeling sorry for myself…
 
Tomorrow is another day, just hoping it is better.
 

Last minute add on:  I write my posts the day before I publish them. I just told Tabitha over dinner about my post for today and she said “mom, that sounds more like a dream for you, you will never get off that easy!”

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Comments

  1. When I read this, all I can think of is the exact opposite of ‘what you see’. I don’t see it as an act of violence or hatred in any way, shape or form, but a begging plea for help. I think she just wants help, someone to fix the problem, and she reaches out to you, her closest and dearest heart. This is so overwhelming to even hear from a distance, so I cannot even imagine what it would be like to live it. I just pray for grace, and love and healing to fill you all. One day, All things will be made new again. The right way.

    • I also don’t see her violence as an act of hatred. I know she loves me more than anything and doesn’t know how to process all her frustrations from the seizures, hormones and medication side effects. My love for Tiara is so deep, that I allow her to hurt me daily instead of having a caretaker watch her all day or put her in a home. I am not alone in my struggles with Tiara, I personally know other mothers who are living in a similar situation. Thank you for your kind words and prayers.

  2. love you guys! i realize what a struggle this has been for everyone in your family at times.
    i have seen some of it in action, the scratches and bruises on tiff. however i also know the love and compassion you all have for each other & for tiara. hang in there!

  3. Tiff, I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. I just read your blog and cried my eyes out. My thoughts and prayers are with you always. You are a stong woman, hang in there, things will et better. God loves you, and so do I.
    Sincerely,
    Jill

  4. Finding your blog has been a life line for me. I am in the same situation as you. My son has tuberous sclerosis, seizures, autism , MR, and behavioral issues. Behavioral issues is a nice way of saying he is violent and aggressive toward me. Like you, I felt it was manageable until he turned 15 and the aggression turned to violence. I cried reading about what your daughter does to you…..I cried because I feel for you, but I also cried because I ,too , have been beaten . I hate this disease so much! There’s not a piece of their humanity that it does not touch and it is brutal. Thank you for posting and sharing and letting me know I’m not alone………

    • Writing this blog has become a life line for me and it brings me so much joy to know it is helping others, especially TS families. You along with other TS families are among the few who really understand the dilemma’s we face in dealing with violent children. The whole reality is heartbreaking! xoxo tiffani