I can’t remember how to do anything!

This isn’t like riding a bike, because I can’t remember how to do it, even though I used to be really good at it! You know how you learn to use your phone and then you have to update it 2 years later and everything is confusing and you can’t seem to complete the simplest task without asking a tween to help you? Well, that’s how I feel about blogging right now. Writing is the easy part but remembering how to run my website is a totally different ballgame. I created twigdecor.com 3 1/2 years ago and once in a while I will add new pictures to the portfolio which is a simple task, but that’s about it. Other than that, I haven’t been working on either of my websites for years.

First of all I tried to log into my Mailchimp account for both of my websites and guess what? My account was deactivated for lack of use. Awesome, that means I lost all my previous subscribers, good job Tiffani! Okay, that means I just need to set up a new one, so people can resubscribe to my blog and can receive new posts via email. That should be easy enough! Well, let’s just say I haven’t had much success on accomplishing this task. I can’t remember where to place the code, how to format anything and I no longer have a subscription to adobe to create a new logo. I mean the list goes on and on of things I don’t remember how to do. Today I spent 2 hours trying to work on my website and the only thing I was able to fix was my bio information and even that wasn’t a total success. I finally decided to give up and write a post or you weren’t going to hear from me this week.

Even as I start writing this I can’t find how to insert a picture. Oh look, I finally figured it out and somehow created a gallery of which I didn’t want to do. But that’s the only way I could get the picture to show up. And how you might be wondering, is the book writing going?

Well, my twig decor business has been really busy this week, which is great, but I haven’t had much time to write. The other issue is my memory. I’m at the point in the book where Tiara is about 9 years old, Tabitha is 15 and Trinity is 5 and guess what? I can’t remember my life. I think I was living in such a tremendous state of stress that my mind blocked out big chunks of my life. I have been going through pictures, school projects and medical records to figure out what was happening during that time. I have bits and pieces of memories, but I’m a bit stuck right now. I decided that I needed to order the medical records from UCLA for Tiara’s brain surgery in 2011. After her brain surgery didn’t go well, we lived in the Ronald Reagan Medical Center for almost 3 months and there is so much I don’t remember. I thought if I got those records it would help me fill in what was happening during the 2 years prior to her surgery? Hopefully.

I sent a request last month for the records and have been patiently waiting. I asked to receive them on cd’s because I imagined there would be thousands of pages, which I didn’t want to pay for or store. After 10 days I received a nice note from the records department telling me my records were on the way and they returned Tiara’s death certificate. I was expecting the letter to include a bill for the records which was indicated on the website, but they didn’t include a bill. I was rather excited that I wasn’t going to have to pay for all the records and I told Tabitha, “Isn’t it great! They are sending me all the records for free, I can’t believe it! Maybe they felt bad Tiara passed away, so they are sending them for free? On and on I went trying to figure out why they would send them for free.”

Finally Tabitha said to me:” Wow Mom, aren’t you lucky! You don’t have to pay for the medical records for your dead daughter!”

“Hmmmm, I guess I’ve gone completely insane! Thank you for pointing that out.” “You are welcome”, she said.

A few days later I received the first set of cd’s from the radiology department and I was so excited to view them. I opened the package and read the instructions.

The DVD’s are encrypted for security reasons and can only be opened on a PC, NOT an Apple device. Awesome, since I only use Apple products and I just bought an external DVD drive in anticipation of my research, since my new Mac doesn’t have a DVD drive. Ugh!

Off to Best Buy I go in search of some help. Well, after talking to 2 different salespeople it appears I had to purchase a new computer to view the cd’s. I contemplated going to the library but I wasn’t even sure that was an option and decided that would be too stressful. Do they even have computers for free use at the library anymore? Anyways, I wasn’t ready to spend $300 on a laptop just for research at that exact moment so I went home and talked to Lou. Of course he told me to “just go buy it and stop talking about it!” His standard response since he knows I will incessantly talk about this issue until I get the computer. I then did tons of internet research and decided I had to buy another computer, duh! A few days later I went back to Best Buy and purchased the recommended laptop. I brought it home, figured out how to set it up, added the external DVD drive and accessed the radiology files. Well, it was a bit anticlimactic since the radiology records only included the images, not the reports. I have see tons of images of Tiara’s brain but that doesn’t mean I actually understand what I’m seeing.

I also received her neuro-psychology records and they were devastatingly depressing. Those records documented how developmentally delayed she was, how horrible her behaviors were and how much her mental health had declined. It’s weird because I know Tiara was only about the age of a 2 year old developmentally but I never thought of her like that. Two year olds seem so young and she seemed to understand so much, but I guess the assessment was right. She understood everything we said to her, but that didn’t mean she would listen to us. She was funny and sassy and bossy and loved to sing, dance, watch movies, go for drives, color, cuddle in my lap and have board books read to her, just like a toddler. I miss my baby!

So in conclusion, I still haven’t received the rest of the DVD’s but they should be arriving any day as I was told on the phone yesterday. Also, don’t expect my website to look or function amazing at this point, because I’m an old lady relearning a new skill and it’s going to take some serious time.

I’ll probably be talking about my new Liver Rescue program in the next post, because I have been spending all my “free time” juicing, reading and taking supplements to help repair my liver and hopefully get rid of the rash I’ve had for the past 10 years.

xoxo tiffani