I can’t believe it is November 1 and our family has to celebrate the holidays without Tiara. I have been dreading the holidays and now they are here. It is more than I can bare.
Last Tuesday, would have been Tiara’s 17th birthday and the day was much harder to endure than I anticipated. I felt like a pile of bricks was dumped onto me Monday night and I couldn’t seem to get them off of me until Wednesday night. They didn’t come off in a heap but slowly one at a time. And just when I thought they had all fallen off, I could still feel some pushing deep into my shoulder blades through my chest and into my heart.
And then Halloween approached and everyone on social media, in the stores and everywhere I looked were excited to dress up and attend Halloween festivities. Not me. I had nothing planned.
Every Halloween is hard because it is the last day of October and normally Lou is always at work. Sales. So in the past, I always worried about making sure Trinity had plans with someone whom I could trust to make sure she would have a fun and safe night because I had to stay home and hand out candy with Tiara. Tabitha, the make-up expert and Halloween aficiando, always has faces to paint and costumes to adorn. She is busy on Halloween from sunrise to sunset every year and loves every bit of it. Tiara and I wait for some cute kids to cheer us up with their adorable costumes. She loved to put candy in their bags. Last year she was too tired and slow, but crawled to the door to see the kids before they walked away. One year she answered the door without her shirt on. That really scared the kids but made me laugh. Either way it was always fun for us and her excitement over a few kids and seeing her sisters dressed up was enough for us. Plus, she always stole a bunch of candy from the bowl.
This year Trinity left at noon to start getting ready with friends, Tabitha had faces and costumes to prepare, Lou worked, and I had no plans. Don’t get me wrong I could have asked a friend to bring me along and plenty would have offered but I didn’t really feel like socializing nor did I feel like staying home. I was just sad. I made some dinner, folded laundry, drank a bunch of sparkling water (had to pick up Trinity later that night), walked Stella and at 8:00 pm helped Tabitha and Lei get ready for their night. Lou finally came home, I picked up Trinity, came home and drank my wine and woke up still feeling blah. Thank goodness it was fall back and we gained another hour because I ended up staying up with Lou until midnight, both of us sulking.
The next morning I woke up with anxiety because it was All Souls day at our Church and we were attending the noon mass because they were having a special ceremony for all the Parishoners who had passed away since last November. I had never been to this special Mass before and didn’t know what to expect but I knew we were supposed to walk up to the front of the church when they called Tiara’s name. After the priest did the homily they announced each person’s name and someone from the family or the entire family walked up to the front, accepted a long stemmed white rose and one person walked up to the altar and placed the rose in a bouquet of beautiful Magnolia leaves. After everyone’s name was called a huge bouquet of perfect white roses sat at the base of the altar and was then moved over to reside below Mary. They also had a beautiful book with all the deceased names inscribed. It was a really beautiful sentiment but also very hard. The four of us walked up together, I received the flower, placed it in the bouquet, we walked over and lit a candle for Tiara and said a prayer. After Mass a couple who we have seen at Mass for years came up and hugged us and asked who had passed away in our family. They had no idea our daughter had died.
You see, I/we have been attending Mass our whole life at OLMC but have never been involved. I go to 10am Mass, smile at all the familiar faces, say hello and good-bye and don’t see them again until the next week. Once Tiara passed away I promised myself I would actually involve myself in my parish as I no longer had any excuses for my lack of participation and I wanted to be apart of my church, not just an attendee.
So this Thursday I attended the Soul group and the same thing happened. At the end of the bible study we gathered for prayer and then there was an opportunity for prayer intentions. After 5 other women asked for prayers for different people in their lives, I finally spoke up and asked for prayers for my family as they were grieving the loss of my daughter. Literally every head in the circle lifted and looked at me in shock and sadness. Once all the intentions were spoken and the prayer was finished, I was instantly pulled into a hug by several women whom I have been sitting with for years. They all embraced me with tears in their eyes and told me “We had no idea, but you are stuck with us now!” It felt really good to be wanted and to belong.
And now for the most amazing part of my week. I started Pilates 3 weeks after Tiara passed away and have been going to the 8:15 am class during the weekdays ever since. It is my therapy. It is so hard, I can’t think about much else, except getting my body to do what it is supposed to do.
A few months ago, I saw a lady I recognized from high school in my class. We will call her Kim, which isn’t her real name. There are only 10 women in the class. I went up, said Hi and reminded her we went to high school together and told her my name. She too got hooked on the Pilates and I see her most mornings. I remembered she was a gifted volleyball player and mentioned Tabitha used to play at Newport Harbor, where she also played.
This Thursday, I got to class early and was talking to the owners. They were asking where Tabitha was, because she usually goes to class with me, since she quit her job. We were talking about Tabitha and Trinity and the passing of Tiara when a woman who I haven’t seen in our class before walked in. She went to her reformer and I kept talking. At the point I was talking about how Tabitha used to be a great athlete, Kim walked in. She looked at me and said “Wait, your daughter played at Harbor?” “Yes.” I was surprised she seemed surprised because I had mentioned it before but I figured maybe she was tired the first time I mentioned it? We then had this conversation about the stresses of playing on the team at Newport.
Class started, we sweat our butts off and after class she walked up to talk more about volleyball. Just then the woman I didn’t recognize interrupted our conversation. “Excuse me.” She was looking directly at me. “Did you say, your daughter passed away?”
me: “Yes, my daughter passed away in January.”
At this point I could see Kim look oddly at me. Clearly she didn’t know about Tiara.
woman: “I am so sorry to hear that. I am a child psychologist and it sounds like your girls have anxiety, you should really take them to see a counselor.”
me: “Thank you so much, I am in the process of doing that, we all need some help right now.”
Then Kim looks over at me and says “Your daughter passed away? My daughter just passed away 2 1/2 months ago. I thought she was talking to me?”
I was stunned. Her middle child, a daughter, just passed away.
Kim had started Pilates several weeks after her daughter passed as her therapy. Talk about Godly intervention. I am sure that Kim and I would never have known that we were each suffering through the same loss unless that other woman walked up and kindly interrupted us to give me helpful advice. I was so grateful this woman spoke up because now I have a new friend who understands.
And so this week as much as I felt an overwhelming amount of loss and hurt, some great things happened.
And so I wrote this today because I was feeling so low and needed to write. A friend who lost her husband this year asked me if I still wrote my blog. I told her “no, because it was about Tiara and I and I don’t feel like I have anything important I want to say.” She said ” Even when you wrote about other things it always touched us, so if you feel like writing, you should, we all like it.” So I listened.
Ohhh, it felt so good to write this. Thanks for listening.
xoxo
tiffani
: ‘ ( Sniff…… Tiff, my heart breaks for your loss. Thanking God, that He has Graciously placed some special souls in your path. oxxo and prayers to you always, Leslie
Thanks Les!❤️
Aw, always happy to listen and thank you so much for sharing a bit here today about what has been going on with you and your family int he last few months, Tiffani. So much love and hugs to you!! <3
I was so happy to see in my email box that you had written a blog post! Your friend who told you to keep blogging was right… we love to hear from you. We want to know how you’re doing. Maybe your stories will help others who are also grieving someone they lost. And if it helps you get through the difficulty by having this conversation with your blog followers, we love listening. xoxo
Thanks Candi, it feels so nice to hear from you and my other readers. xoxo
So glad you had some Divine intervention for you this week. Sorry for your pain. Love to you and the family always. xo
Dear Tiff, I am glad you can once again find a community of people through your writing who are willing to just listen and be there for you. We are all part of that unseen movement of God. We are people who care, we are people who have known suffering, we are people who silently stand beside you through this painful letting go. I am deeply sorry you have to endure this process. Each word you have written is a marker demonstrating the great and deep love both you and Lou had for your little girl. She had the best parents in the world… and she knew it. Grief is an unfolding, and in this season of unfolding God is reminding you that you are not alone, and that you are loved and cared for by so many more than you can count… many hugs to you….xxxxoooo
Thanks Noelle, you have such a way with words! It is a season of unfolding and unfortunately it feels like I have just started the process even though it has almost been a year. I guess the shock has worn off and now we are all figuring out how to live without her beautiful soul. Hope to see you soon friend. xoxo
Thank you for posting this, Tiffani. Your post underscored several points I needed to see today. 1) It is sad and difficult that it has taken a personal tragedy to help you connect through your loss with others similarly affected in your community. It is good that you ARE connecting, though, even if the root of your fellowship is grief and loss; 2) As we go about our day-to-day activities, we never know the burdens that others around us are bearing. We should be kind to everyone, always, as we don’t know what their journey is about; and finally 3) I need to do a better job of reaching out to friends and acquaintances who may be in need of support. That said, let’s get together over the holidays. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain of loss of a child, but I have lost several family members recently, in fairly rapid succession. It just leaves one breathless, and going through the motions. We look fine . . . but we are cracked vessels. Not wanting to press you during a difficult emotional time, I will leave it to you to contact me via FB PM. I will follow up, though, if I don’t hear from you. Love and light to you on your journey, Tiffani.
Thanks Dawn! Having your sweet girl around our home always brings light to my days. I would love to get to know you better. xoxo
Loved reading about you and Tiara again this morning. What a difficult time for you. Lots of prayers and light are coming your way- you’re handling the journey with such grace and strength and honesty as always. Thank you for sharing your heart once again. xo
Thanks Happy ! Feels so good to hear from my readers, especially you. xoxo
Hi Tiffani (Katie {McMullen} Creamer’s Mom here…Keenan Creamer’s {TSC}, Grandma) I can’t tell you how beautiful it was to read of your feelings and how much your heart aches with thoughts of Tiara at milestone calendar dates and how Holidays and anniversaries of family events are impacting your every thought. There is no time limit on grieving. There should not be. Just to let you know, after our very first time meeting you and your family at that first TSC picnic, we were introduced to HOW a family loves SO deeply. You personified and portrayed that and at that time… (diagnose literally a few weeks before that July picnic) it was such a reassurance that Katie and Brian were never alone in this …and happy to say that Katie has been meeting with other TSC moms on a regular basis and has started a Facebook group to keep in touch and fuel that ongoing reassurance. Love to your Mother’s Heart, Daddy’s heart and Sister’s hearts. ((hugs)). Nina McMullen
Thank you for that beautiful message and I am so grateful you felt such a reassurance for your family after meeting ours. Love to you all. xoxo
I am so glad you wrote again, and so sorry that you thought you didn’t have anything left to say. Your writing about life with Tiara was moving and touched many people in all sorts of important ways. But you are just at the beginning of a new journey, the journey of living without her and of living with grief. Learning to live with loss is something we all have to do, and something we are all scared and hesitant to talk about. Anything you have to share about your process will be received gratefully. I have missed you and fretted about you so much and am sending love.
Thank you so much Missy. I can’t believe you have been fretting about me. Love that word and that you care so much about me. You will hear from me more often. xoxo
xoxo. So good to hear from you. I’m so sorry that you are sad. How can you be nothing but. I’m having struggles with my children and I look at the photos of them at Halloween and the young trick-or-treaters and I wonder where did it all go? I can imagine losing a child and coming upon these almost ritualistic times of the year. Sooo glad you reached out to your church group and they reached out to you. And so glad you made that connection with Kim. Goodness you both are hurting. I know when the time is right you will write your book.
Thanks Jamie! I hope you are right about the book. I so want to write it, but can’t bring myself to do it. I did by the book you mentioned on your blog. “better than before”,in hopes it would get me writing like you. xoxo
Beautifully expressed and written, Tiffani. Your chance encounter warms my heart… it sounds like Tiara was trying to help you all out. Thanks for writing, XOXO, A
Thanks April! Yes, Tiara is looking out for all of us, and thank goodness. We need her help right now. Love to you and the family. xoxo
Love you!!! ️Xoxo ❤️
Love you BF!
It was so nice to hear from you again, Tiffani, I’m sorry you have gone through the heartbreak of losing Tiara and I know you’ll never get over losing and missing her, but I’m glad you’re getting out and involved in your community, meeting new friends, and working on being happy. Hugs, dear, old friend!
Thanks Sylvia!
So glad you are writing again Tiff! And so glad you have met some very kind people who care about you and understand what you are going through. I know you will help them as well, that is your gift. Love you.
I know you miss your girl and how much. Sending love and hugs your way. xx It always helps to meet someone that can say
“me too”. Hope you find comfort in each other’s company.
When I saw you had posted a new blog I could hardly wait to read it. My heart is with you dear one, and of course all of the family. It is so hard to understand why God allows certain things to happen in our lives, especially knowing how much he loves us. He knows every detail about us. You are his precious child. I believe your incident at pilates was by Divine appointment. That is a powerful story in itself. I do believe the more we lean unto Him in the hard times, or the good, we see in time He never abandons us. Trust the hand that holds. May you be richly blessed for stepping out and sharing your story…. and don’t stop. You have been a tower of strength and God will continue to give you the grace you need to carry on. Sometimes I think it would be much easier if we wern’t so human! You are an amazing lady and so admired for who you are…. as you press forward may you be blessed abundantly in lots of big ways and small ways too. xoxo
I feel your pain Tiffani. Today is 3 years since my mom passed. I agree with your lady friends that you should continue to write. You’re so strong and inspiring to so many!! Stacie xo
I can’t believe it has already been 3 years since your Mom passed. I remember when it happened. Love to you during this time and yes come visit Newport again!
Hey Tiffani!
I’m home while Bo is (supposed to be) napping and I’m supposed to be straightening/organizing the house and packing for our 10 day trip down south so as usual, I’m procrastinating and decided I’d see if you had written anything new. To my surprise it looks like you’ve been back at it for a few weeks! I’m so happy to see!! Glad you’re staying busy–I’ll be praying for you during the holiday season. Just remember how much Tiara loved it all and hopefully it’ll put a smile on your face knowing she’s still a part of all the festivities…she just has a much better seat in the house. 🙂