True Confessions, my parenting pitfall…

I have mentioned several of my failures as a person such as my propensity to yell, swear and be overly dramatic but I have yet to admit the area in which I completely fail as a parent.  I HATE helping my children with their homework.  The good news is I only have one child with homework, that being Trinity, but yet I still can’t seem to do my job and parent properly in that area.

When Tabitha was a child, she came home from school or sports everyday, went straight to her room and did all her homework.  She did her work well listening to blaring music, but she always finished it on her own.  Eventually she would emerge from her dirty room and ask me the same question Monday through Thursday, “Mom can you test me on my spelling?”  I dreaded that moment every day.  I tried to act nice and pretend I was happy to help, but I really never wanted to help her, yet I always did.  I kept a smile on my face, tested her and knew it would only take 20-30 minutes of my life, so I did it.  She did well in school and I could never complain.

Now Trinity is a different story.  She has ADHD, is unorganized, hates to study, is a master procrastinator, argumentative and has a huge attitude to boot.  In 3rd grade I made a huge effort to help her learn her times tables which nearly killed me but I did it.  She is the kind of student that requires you to sit and watch her do her homework or she does it messy, wrong, or doesn’t quite finish it.  Her whole academic career has been a daily fight between the two of us.  Yes, I am in contact with her teacher, yes I check Gradelink, yes I check the website several times a week, yes I ask her about her daily assignments but that is it.

Once I got her on ADHD medication and worked with her teacher to use certain techniques to aid her in school, it appeared as if she was doing better.  No more forgetting her books at school or missing assignments, just some low test scores.  I decided to stop yelling at her and have Lou help her with her homework, because I am so impatient and rude.  I always feel horrible when I get mad at her, so I thought it would be best to let him take the lead in this area.  Clearly not one of my best ideas because he is hardly ever home and he has his own learning issues.

Well we are at the end of the second quarter of 5th grade and her grades are rather horrific.  Lou seems to think they are fine because according to him, that is what his grades always looked like., but then again Lou has dyslexia and ADHD so he always struggled in school.  On Friday, when I picked her up from school, we talked about the end of the quarter and I asked “Do you have any homework this weekend?”

Trinity:  “Not really, just the name cutting thing, but it isn’t due until Monday afternoon, so if I didn’t do it this weekend I could finish it in class on Monday.”

Me:  “Yeah, we aren’t going to do that.  You can do it tomorrow, since Sunday we have church and a play date.”

Saturday came and went, she did the very small assignment with only one hissy fit and foot stomping incident.  And then Sunday night at 6:00 p.m. she proceeds to say” Oh, I just remembered we have a unit test in Social Studies tomorrow, guess I better study.”

Now if I was a decent mother I would have checked the website on Friday and knew this information but I like to keep my head in the sand when it comes to studying with Trinity.  I went rather ballistic when I logged onto Gradelink and realized she had a “C” in social studies and the unit test covers 5 chapters.  What the hell?  How was she ever going to study all that tonight?   She instantly started telling me it isn’t a big deal and she will quickly study.  “Oh, no, you will study really well, you need to get that grade up and this is your last chance.”

Lou walks in from work and she is on him for help right away.  He isn’t happy with her for waiting all weekend but like a good Dad he sits down and starts helping her.  Listening to them study was like the blind leading the blind.  I felt such nagging guilt that he was helping her when he isn’t equipped to help like I am and yet I wasn’t doing it.  Such a loser. I washing cleaning the dishes, cleaning and gave Tiara a shower instead.  After they finished and she went to bed, I admitted to Lou that I felt like a failure in regards to Trinity’s academic success.  I spend so much energy on Tiara and then to switch and remain claim and patient and deal with Trinity and her learning issues is so hard for me, so I don’t do it like I should.  (Yes, Mikela, I am putting more effort into the child who doesn’t need it as much.  I can hear your words ringing in my brain.)

At that moment I promised myself I would change.  Once I write something down, I stick to it.  So I wrote a note to myself on a post it and wrote in my organizer, ” I will help Trinity study!!!!”

I will  start to help her with her homework and not give up, no matter how horrible and miserable the experience is.  So this morning when she woke up, I walked away from my blog and started quizzing her on the vocabulary and people from each chapter.  At she fought me and was super annoyed and pissy but eventually she started working with me.  I followed her around for 40 minutes while she dressed, brushed her teeth and ate breakfast, while working on her social studies the whole time.  You know what.  She loved it and was so happy by the end, she thanked me several times.  Her appreciation just reinforced that I have been a loser Mom but this old dog can learn new tricks.  So my goal is to help her make honor roll next quarter which was her goal this quarter but sadly she couldn’t do it on her own, and as her mother, I need to get off my ass and do my job.   

…………………..Just picked her up from school and was excited to hear how she did on her history test.  I was expecting a “B” since she really seemed to know the material.  “Hi hon, how was your day?  How do you think you did on your test?”

Trinity:   “Don’t get mad Mom, I already got it back and I got a D-.  I was so worried all day you would be mad, and I have no idea how I got that grade. I really thought I did good, I don’t know what happened.  Everyone else got a good grade except me.”

silence, deep breath, calming breath, more silence….

Me:  “I’m sorry Trin,  we will look over it after gymnastics.  Next time we will start studying after each chapter.”

She jumped out of the car and went into gymnastics and I just felt like crying for her.  If I felt this frustrated, I can only imagine how crappy she must feel.  Personally, I hate ADHD, school really shouldn’t be this hard!

Tonight is a new beginning and I am dedicated to helping her succeed in school without yelling.  Please wish patience upon me.

Have a wonderful Tuesday!

xoxo tiffani

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