Well it has been almost 3 weeks since Tiara passed away and it has finally started to sink in, she’s really gone.
Today is the first day I have felt like crying several times and my heart feels heavy. Up until today I have been so busy, I haven’t stopped to think, but all of the sudden I felt it, ugh. I hate feeling down.
After spending 16 years of living on a roller coaster with the daily ups and downs of caring for her, all I know how to do is forge ahead. Tiara taught me to keep going and now I feel a little lost without her pushing me forward. I am staying strong for the rest of the family but really maybe I should be falling apart? The people closet to me are wondering and asking me when I am going to become a basket case? I have been doing way too good and I know I can keep going like this but I’m not sure I should? Maybe I should stop, slow down and feel the pain? Will that make it any better or make me feel worse? I’m not really sure but I’m still letting Tiara lead me. I have the huge portrait of her from the funeral above my computer and the crucifix that was on her casket to the right of the picture with her pink duct taped head phones hanging around the cross. It is my Tiara tribute and instead of making me cry, it makes me smile.
Last week Trinity and I looked at puppies online and I was ready to drive to the shelter the next day and pick one up but then I stopped and realized I needed a break from caring for anymore more work than Trinity. Trinity is pretty much on autopilot so a puppy would be way more work than her and I don’t think I’m up to it yet. When I woke up in the morning I told Trinity I needed more time. We would talk about it in March and being the perfect child that she is, she readily agreed.
So what have I been doing? I started working on my book again and have written two chapters but today I wasn’t in the mood to work on it. I reorganized all my jewelry yesterday which I haven’t done in probably 5 years. I re-organized Trinity’s room this weekend and the house is so clean I feel like I am living in my Mom or sister’s house, which actually feels really nice. After a walk this morning I hit 2 thrift stores looking for nightstands I could paint for Trinity’s room when all of the sudden I realized I was close to the Magnolia Bird Farm.
The Magnolia Bird Farm is the best place in the world if you want a bird. I don’t know if you know this but years ago I ended up breeding birds after I put two parakeets in a cage together. I thought they were both males but clearly I was wrong. I turned into quite the bird lady but at some point taking care of 14 birds, a dog, Tiara and the rest of the family became to much, so I had to sell the birds. The cool thing is the Bird Farm will buy your birds and any equipment you have, so it’s not like you have abandoned them. So today I realized, “Hey why don’t I get a bird so the house doesn’t seem so quiet?” Birds aren’t that much work and they make lots of noise! I need more noise, our house is silent.
I walked around the bird farm and was instantly drawn to the parakeets because I love the chirping sound they constantly make. The owner started talking about breeding, taking them out of the cage and working with them and I started to get overwhelmed. Way too much! I almost left the store but then made another pass through the aviary. He came out to talk to me again and I told him my daughter had passed away and I just wanted a bird who would be happy in a cage by itself and didn’t need working with. He steered me towards a male Canary.
He said they don’t make much mess, they are happy by themselves, and he will sing to me. Ok, perfect. We spent lots of time trying to pick the one he thought would sing the most and I ended up buying a yellow male. Trinity named him Mickey. Yes, short for Micky D’s in honor of Tiara’s daily McDonald’s trip. He sang a little bit when I got him home but now he is silent. Apparently the owner said I can exchange him if he doesn’t start singing but he is really cute and sweet, so I hope he starts making some noise soon because I don’t have the heart to return him just because he isn’t loud enough.
Thank you for all the wonderful comments, prayers, love and support. I truly appreciate each and every email, comment or note even if I can’t respond.
xoxo tiffani
Think about you always. Love your perseverance and understand, or empathize with the confusion on emotions and what feelings to have or let yourself have. You are amazing and whatever you do or feel is correct. Love to you. xo
Tiffani, You are a strong woman and will get through this. You must properly grieve though. It’s so important. Go to grief counseling, see someone or buy a book on the subject. That’s my thought in that topic.
Love that you got the bird! And that you’re writing your book. You and I deal with sadness the same way, cleaning and organizing. I wonder if that’s a female thing.
I think of you daily and pray for comfort during this difficult time.
Hugs,
Stacie
xo
The sheer enormity of Tiara’s needs and complexities required nearly every moment of your life be devoted to her. For xixteen years, it’s all you’ve known and it’s become a part of your DNA. For that to suddenly end is a staggering loss to your own identity. Who are you, if not the mother of Tiara, a child that demands your full attention? What do you do with your life, to fill the moments in your day without that child dictating what’s needed?
I’m sure you’ve experienced bittersweet moments. You can devote time now to all things and people not Tiara, including yourself. That’s wonderful. You are an autonomous human being, after all. But the only way to have achieved this sense of peace and “normalcy” for yourself and your family involved the loss of your child, something so naturally wrong.
Trust that you will find your way, on your own. It will take time but slowly you’ll build a new life and fill the holes. Tiara will be a part of your heart as long as you live and I suspect in your last moments on Earth, she will be the last image you have before making your way back to her.
Creating joy for yourself and your family is the greatest honor of Tiara, a girl who loved parties and laughter.
I was just reading this with Lily sitting with me and when I said Mickey, she lit up, because at 4 years old, she is obsessed with Mickey Mouse. So, at least by Lily’s point of view, you made the right choice and if Emma were here (she is at school) she would approve that he is yellow, because yellow is her favorite color! But seriously, I am just so happy to see you back a bit and I sorry that you were having a bit of a down day today. However, I just want you to know you are amazing to me and haven’t stopped thinking of you, my friend. Hugs and congrats on Mickey, he is absolutely adorable 🙂
Tiffani – I got a bird for my birthday a couple of years ago because I love the noise they make. I have a parrotlet, which is a 1.5 oz parrot. He’s wonderful, and I love Magnolia Bird Farm.
I hope Mickey sings more soon.
Everyone grieves differently. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re doing it wrong. Tiffani, you are strong. Life is going to be so different for you now, but I know you’ll be okay. You’ll soon find your groove, a new rhythm, and new things to do. I love that Tiara is still leading you. I can’t with to read your book!
Awe Tiff….love that you have a sweet little birdie in the house! Maybe if you sing or whistle to him….he’ll sing back? xoxo Les
Tiffani,
You are seriously one of the most precious people I know. You should do whatever is in your heart in each moment. There is no right or wrong emotion in any given moment. You have been blessed with so much life experience and you have the tools to get through life in the exact way you are supposed to. Stop and cry, laugh or scream, your authentic feelings are exactly what they are supposed to be. You have been such an inspiration to so many people and I just want to give you a big hug. You have made me laugh, cry, and just feel so much through your journey. What a wonderful life you are having. I hope I get to run into you one day. Hugs and kisses from me every day!
Your blog made me smile….I think of you every day…I like the name Mickey and he is super cute…he will sing he is probably just enjoying some of the quiet himself..:)
Tiffani, you’re so strong, but do what feels right to you. Your writings are so honest, and that must be therapy in itself; so liberating 🙂 I don’t know why, but these days I feel like crying more, but then think that would prevent me from being there for my family, so I never take the time. I just keep cleaning and working on all the “stuff” that everyone depends on me to do. I’m starting to feel like that’s not healthy. Don’t deny yourself the time to grieve, however it may be. Who knows, maybe that’s what Mickey’s waiting for! My thoughts are with you. Take care of yourself.
Enjoy the bird and know that Tiara is smiling with you . It took me a while to break down after stacias death too. Talkiing about her and smiling about her helps..
You might like Tom Zubas book on grief … Permission to mourn…
My thoughts are with you and with Tiara and my Stacia … Im glad they are free of tsc .
Be kind to yourself
susan
I’ve read your blog over the last 12 months and never commented.
2014 was a difficult year for me and on the nights I couldn’t sleep your blog was one I’d visit. You write so honestly that it made me feel less alone in my problems. Even though I’m 26 and our lives are at different stages, I’ve learnt a lot from you. You really are a beautiful person, it is amazing how you adjusted your life for Tiara and devoted all that you were to her well-being & your family. I’m just in awe at how you propel yourself through difficult times – and I imagine the reason being is because of the great love you hold for your family.
I’m sure your bird will begin to sing soon & thank you for sharing your journey with Tiara x
Sending love from Australia
Ironic that my daughter was talking about getting a bird yesterday. I told her how I had parakeets as a teen and what fun they were. I hope Mickey is singing by now. Xoxoxo