A few months ago I told myself I was going to find a therapist because I knew I was losing my shit in the midst of this pandemic. After bouts of crying, screaming at everyone, lots of naps and overall insane behavior on my part, Lou suggested I seek help. For once, I knew he was right, so I decided I should probably get a therapist. The girls have both had therapy to deal with the death of their sister and considering my life the past twenty- eight years, I figured it might be time to focus on my own mental health.
Finding a therapist covered by insurance, isn’t an easy task, but I refuse to pay $200 a week to talk about myself. This would cause me more anxiety than I already possess. Most therapists hate dealing with insurance, for which I don’t blame them, so they usually require you pay out of pocket and then you submit a claim to insurance and wait for reimbursement. I didn’t want to do that. So, I called my insurance company and found out that therapy sessions were covered for a seventeen dollar copay if the therapist accepted Blue Cross/Blue Shield. This I could handle. Instead of starting the search right away, I just put it on my calendar for the next day. Each day I looked at my calendar and moved this particular task to the next day until four weeks ago.
After acting a little insane once again Trinity came into my office and said: “Mom, I really think you aren’t doing well mentally which is affecting all of us. You aren’t yourself and I really think you might need some help. Tabitha had therapy, I’m in therapy and you have never had therapy and I think it’s time.”
“Hmmmm, Well, it’s been on my to do list, it just hasn’t gotten done,” I said with tears once again forming in my eyes.
Trinity: “I just love you Mom and think you need this.”
Me: ” Okay, thanks babe, I guess I’ll find the time today.”
Ugh! Apparently us control freaks have acted the craziest during Covid-19 because everything in our universe feels so out of control and we don’t know how to deal. Fine, I’ll do it, I told myself. I pulled up the Psychology today website and searched for a therapist who took our insurance within a twenty mile radius. I emailed five therapists a rather funny message and received a phone call from one within an hour. The lady who called me back, Carol, was a bit quirky, which I tend to like, and had a cancellation for the following day. Not only did she take my insurance, she had an opening, she saw patients in her office which is super rare during Covid, she is certified in EMDR and her office is only 3 miles from my house. It was meant to be!
As you can imagine, I suspect I have a bit of PTSD from my life with Tiara and EMDR is supposed to be an amazing tool for dealing with this type of issues. Most therapists aren’t certified in EMDR, but when I saw on her profile she was certified, I hoped she would be available to work with me. Again God provided.
I have seen Carol four times now and I’m here to report it has really helped. I haven’t done the EMDR yet, but just having someone to talk with seems to have calmed me down. I’ve decided not to leave my family and move to a remote area, preferably by a river with a view of the mountains, by myself. This was my plan prior to starting therapy.
I would still like to move to a less urban area if I could get my girls and Chandler to follow us. Lou said he would consider moving if his commute was the same distance to work. He works in Ontario so I started looked for homes an hour from his work but in the other direction. Of course everything is much less expensive than Costa Mesa but I’m scared to move into a fire area, I hate the heat and my kids won’t move, so I have decided to stop obsessing on moving. Besides I wouldn’t be able to have my walking dates with my girlfriends which is my only social interaction. Plus, the real truth is: where ever I go, I’ll be bringing myself, so I better just fix myself while living where I am, instead of trying to escape me.
Once I stopped focusing on moving, I needed to direct my energy into something more positive. I decided to try and figure out how to market my book, again. I have been a failure up until this point.
I enrolled in Bryan Cohen’s free 5 day Facebook Challenge a few weeks ago and it has been incredible! I finally understand how to make profitable Amazon Ads. His free class was so valuable I decided to enroll in his Amazon Ad school so I can continue to learn. I’m not getting paid to promote him, I just truly believe in his ability to teach a very complicated subject.
In June I only sold 7 books and in July after using his ad techniques for two weeks, I sold 38 books. And four days into August, I have already sold 10 books. Because I’m spending money on the ads, I haven’t made a bunch of money but everyday my numbers are increasing and I’m finally feeling hopeful that Loving Tiara is going to get out into the universe, like I originally dreamed. Yay TT!!!!
Aside from losing my mind, enrolling in therapy, and finally finding success with advertising for Loving Tiara, I also had a 3 day gig as a dog watcher after my cousin suffered some serious injuries after being thrown from a horse. Luckily she is on the mend, but it was really frightening. While watching four dogs in her cute little place I thought it would be a good idea to clean it from top to bottom and reorganize the kitchen and hall closet.
Aside from sleeping with the dogs, walking the dogs, mucking stalls and cleaning the house, the climax of my stay was when Tootsie (an alias name), an untrained lab decided to escape. I was working from her kitchen watching the tree trimmers and I saw some large seeds start to fall and hit some of my aunt’s prized plants. I placed my body up against the slider and slowly opened it a bit, knowing a dog might try to escape, and hollered to the gardeners. As I was trying to get their attention, Tootsie bolted through my legs to freedom and started running all over the property while the tree trimmers were working and every gate on the property was open.
Tootsie had been staying with my cousin for several weeks and had been given the title of worst behaved dog ever in three years of dog sitting. Knowing she was going to send me on a big chase I first tried to remain calm and not go insane because that might rile her up more and she would think it was a game. When my calm approach wasn’t working and I realized she was running towards the front gate, I panicked. I frantically chased after her, while screaming to anyone who would listen for help. Most of the gardeners just watched in amazement as the crazy blonde lady ran after a 65 pound lab. Luckily I beat her to the front gate before she could escape and I sighed a breathe of relief only to see her bolt to the horse area down the stairs. SHIT! I started running after her to the area picture above, screaming for my aunt to help me. My aunt heard me screaming for Tootsie and yelled for me to close the double gates that were open to the highway next to their property. While frantically trying to close them before she ran into the road and got herself killed, Tootsie decided to run after my cousin’s horse who was already agitated because of the tree trimmers. Tootsie was chasing the horse and trying to nip at her legs while the horse was bucking and kicking. I had no idea what to do, so I got into the arena with a rake and tried to shoo Cookie away without getting myself trampled. My aunt screamed for me to get out of the arena and tried luring Tootsie with some horse poop, which Tootsie had stopped to eat. Another sign of Tootsie’s intelligence. By some miracle Tootsie got tired and gave up chasing the horse and ran back up the stairs to the top of the backyard where all the gates were closed. I knew she was relatively safe so I ran inside and got some treats to try and lure her with. She must have been exhausted and finally stopped to sniff a plant and I grabbed her. The whole ordeal only lasted ten minutes but it felt like hours. My poor aunt fell in the process of getting the back gate closed and once the gardeners helped her up the stairs were both sat on the lounge chairs shaking and in tears. I kept envisioning my uncle as the only survivor and him having to tell my family I died chasing a dog into the street and both my aunt and I got killed from oncoming cars while trying to save freaking Tootsie. The story will become legendy in our family as I could never forget that horrific event.
After that horror, I was afraid to let her out in the doggy run without a leash or out of my sight. Luckily her owners were arriving the next morning, as I barely slept waiting to return her safely to them. During the pass off to Tootsie’s owners I mentioned that she liked to bolt, when given the chance. Their response: “Oh, I know, she bolts all the time.” Hmmm, I thought. Good to know people! Just reliving that day, still makes me cringe and definitely contributed to my already existing PTSD. On the upside, my cousin loved all the changes I made in her house and was truly grateful for my help.
Then last week Tabitha and Chandler moved into a different apartment in their same complex because it a great patio, is on the first floor which keeps it much cooler and it is larger. It was three days of hard work but it looks fabulous and they are so happy which makes me happy.
So that’s what I’ve been doing and why I’ve been rather quiet on social media and on the blog. I hope you have been less crazy than me and haven’t caught Covid, or rather “the Cove” as my aunt likes to call it. Sending love and blessings to you all….
xoxo tiffani
