I mentioned last week that I was considering getting more help with Tiara. Before I left on vacation I called the agency that is supposed to provide a caretaker for Tiara 20 hours per week and have not done so for the past year. This agency has a contract with Regional Center and they are supposed to screen and provide adequate caretakers. In the past year they have provided 2 different girls both of whom lasted a few days. I hadn’t heard from them since November and I finally called them a few weeks ago to discover there was a new director who had misplaced our file and our contract with Regional Center had expired. Oh good.
After a few emails and calls, the contract was reinstated and I arranged to meet with the new director the day after we returned home from New York. Just so you know there is a huge turn around with workers in this field. This is the 4th director I have dealt with in the past few years. So this nice guy came over, learned about Tiara and said he thought he had a really good candidate for the job. Let’s call her Sally just to protect her identity. He describes Sally as a petite college girl studying psychology and is really interested in “making a difference.”
This is too good to be true! What if she is really great and Tiara loves her? I requested she work from 1:30-5:30 Monday through Thursday and 4 hours on either Saturday or Sunday , which ever was better for her. If she arrived at 1:30 I could go to my errands solo, pick up Trinity solo and drive her to her activities and actually sit and observe. After gymnastics and softball we could come home, I would make dinner, the caretaker would leave and everything would be so much easier. Life of luxury at least for me.
Thursday at 1:30 p.m. sharp, the doorbell rings. I open the door to be greeted by Sally, a very adorable, tiny girl with lots of spunk. I introduce her to Tiara and we all sit down to talk about Tiara’s behaviors, medical history and everything I think is important that she could possibly need to know. As I am talking, TT keeps looking over at her and waving and saying HI. Good sign. Oddly, Sally seems to be stressed, well I guess that isn’t odd on second thought.
The more I talk, the more stressed and anxious she appears. I then learn that she has helped with her God Mother’s son who as Aspergers for sometime. She is really knowledgeable about Autism, but has never changed a diaper in an adult and is very nervous about violence and anger issues. Hummm, this isn’t sounding good.
Either way she starts to color with Tiara after about 45 minutes of me filling her in on every detail of Tiara’s life. I go to the computer to work on my blog, while she tries to keep Tiara entertained. Tiara keeps running over to me every 3 minutes, which is very normal when there is someone else in the house trying to play with her. I ask Sally if she is comfortable with me picking up Trinity from school and leaving her alone with Tiara for a few minutes?
Sally: “I am OK with it, if you come straight back home.”
Me: “I will be gone 15 minutes and you can see how you feel being left alone with her.”
Sally: “I will try it.”
I leave to get Trin and am back in 15 minutes as promised. Nothing bad happened and all was good, yet it was barely 15 minutes, but it was a start. I was feeling rather excited that this could possibly work.
Tiara’s home school showed up at 3:30 pm and my plan was to leave them alone with Tiara and see how they did. The school district requires that someone 18 or over is always present with the teacher because of liability issues. As a result everyday I always have to stay home and then Tiara follows me around and the teacher follows her around. The whole thing has gotten really frustrating for the teacher and myself so I was hoping that if I left, Tiara would pay attention and I could get a break. Hmmm, what an idea!
I leave after the teacher assures me she is comfortable because it is becoming obvious that Sally isn’t comfortable watching Tiara on her own. Trinity and I return home 45 minutes later to find both teachers chasing Tiara around the basketball court and the second she hears me enter, she comes bolting for me yelling “Mommy, Mommy, Home, Home!” After the teacher leaves and I have another talk with Sally. I explain that I want her to feel comfortable talking to me and to tell me honestly how she feels about the job and watching Tiara. I won’t be angry or upset, I just want to make sure it is a good fit for Tiara and Sally.
Me: “So after spending 3 hours with Tiara, do you think this is something you can do? Would you feel comfortable watching her?”
Sally: ” To be honest, I had no idea was I was getting myself into. She is so much bigger than me and I am worried about not being able to control her and I can’t work 20 hours a week. I want to help children learn and focus, I wasn’t planning on being just a caretaker. I am not even sure if this company is the right fit for me at this point. I am a psychology major and I wanted to work with children in special education but now I am not sure.”
Me: “Well, this is a care taking job and I know Tiara is more difficult than other children but if you continue to work for this company you will be assigned to similar jobs.”
Sally: “After spending the afternoon here, I am not even sure if I want to pursue working in Special Education. I need to talk to my boss and really spend some time this weekend contemplating what I want to do with my life.”
Me: “I think that is a good idea. Just text me or call me to let me know what you decide.”
I am 99% sure she will never return and had to hold my laughter when she admitted spending a day with Tiara while she was on good behavior changed her whole life’s dream of working with special education kids. Gotta love that! Tiara really knows how to rock someone’s world.
Tiara and I are off to our sleep study at Choc tonight, which I am so not looking forward to.
Have a great day!
xoxo tiffani
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Wow. Just wow. I worked in a crisis unti for kids who needed immediate intervention but they were all very high functioning and it was a challenge every single day. Not something everyone is cut out for. I think you are amazing and I guess it might be a good idea this young girl takes sme time to think about what she really wants to do.
I don’t know you worked in crisis. This company is a crisis intervention program. Guess Tiara is a class of her own.
xoxo tiffani
she didn’t have a clue did she? poor girl. i don’t know why we don’t have warrior status because no one that hasn’t done this could have a clue. i can laugh because i have seen people physically jump when deb reaches out just to touch them. i am so glad u are like me and know how to read people with great instincts. 🙂 youyr blog makes my day and i have read them all now. Just want you to know you are a fantastic mom. <3 Lisa
Thanks Lisa!
That is pretty funny but a good thing, indeed.
Honestly though, I’m in disbelief they would send a petite little thing to watch Tiara. That has liability written all over it – for both parties. Sally could have gotten badly hurt by Tiara and Tiara could have easily muscled her way past Sally and bolted down the street.
Unfortunately there is a very fuzzy line with a special needs child between teaching and care taking and it must feel disconcerting to college-educate yourself into a babysitting job for a tantrum-raging two-year old who’s the size of a line-backer.
Tell this new director that this is a job for a tall, strong and “beefy” woman who can hold her own and easily restrain Tiara if need be and to stop wasting your time otherwise!
Sadly, I think he knows that but because their care providers only make $12 an hour for such a difficult job they have a hard time finding people. He only has a couple females working for him right now, so every time I try and use my hours and get some help they have to look for more employees. Finding someone who is qualified to do this job and is willing to work for peanuts is almost an impossible feat.
xoxo tiffani
Tiffani – you’re being much too easy on them! Didn’t you learn ANYTHING from the NYC trip? You have to be a bitch sometimes to get stuff done!!! And the nicer and more understanding you are, the easier it’ll be to put you on the back burner (i.e., forget about you completely).
If this is something they have to provide, light a match under them.
Do yourself a favor, take a video of Tiara at home with the family in normal Tiara antics mode. And then send it to him with her stats (height, weight, behavioral issues, triggers, needs) and tell him to staff up accordingly!
You’ve given them YEARS of understanding. They’ve given you nothing – and sending out little Sally was just insulting.
This is owed to you. Your family deserves some respite hours to refuel a bit!
Life changing all right! Too bad it wasn’t your and Tiara’s life! Bethany is supposed to get 600 respite hours a year. The first one they sent over ended up stealing something from us. Her mother actually found it and brought it back and told us her daughter was on crack and had no business taking care of anyone. The second one was so big (I have nothing against over weight people) that she could not even fit in through the laundry room/hallway into Bethany’s bedroom or be able to chase her around! There isn’t anyone else. We live in a very rural area. We’re actually contemplating selling our home of 30 years and moving closer to better services.
Sad isn’t it? Good services are hard to come by even in more populated areas, but it sounds like you don’t have a prayer of finding some help. Sorry.
xoxo tiffani
Classic… There are so many folks who have the best intentions, but truly need to understand WHAT they are getting into. Sp-Ed, and caregiving are NOT for just anyone, and the needed skills can not be learned, it us truly a gift. There are so many wonderful folks out there- I hope you and tt find yours soon!
What tough challenges…I think you handle them gracefully. No one loves like a Mama but I do hope the right person will come along to help lighten the load a little.
It’s definitely not a job that everyone is cut out for. The blessing I could say is that at least she told you right away instead of saying “Oh I think so” or “No problem” and having things get really bad.
I hope you are able to find someone perfect for you and Tiara!
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I sure hope the right match for Tiara comes along soon. It would be so nice for both of you to have an extra caregiver. Good luck!! Stacie xo
I hear you, Tiffany, even out in the IE. Shae only gets 30hrs/month, and she’s not too difficult (we don’t need a big gal, she’s 12 and been 60lbs for the last 2 1/2 yrs.), yet we’re still having trouble finding a decent nurse since we lost a wonderful lady from our case back in December. The last nurse watched Shae in her ABA therapy and thought she was having a stroke when she gave her therapist a high-five! Then she watched some tv w/Jeff and asked him if Criminal Minds was real! Actually, she was quite entertaining now that I think of it!
So pathetic, isn’t it? Sorry you are having the same issues as us. I bet the majority of families aren’t happy with the help they are offered. xoxo tiffani
I’m sorry it doesn’t seem to have worked out with this girl. I wonder if you could find a person who maybe works in a health care environment with adults and teens that present similar challenges as Tiara? Maybe someone who is looking to do more part time, flexible work. You’ve probably thought about that though. Hope something comes through soon. hug.
I worked with special education kids as a teacher and will say that t does take a special kind of person to work one-on-one with them. These kids truly can be the sweetest kids, but if you aren’t trained or not sure what you are really doing to begin with like this young girl, probably not going to work out at all. She sounded very young and very naive to be honest. I do hope you find someone a little bit more seasoned to help and am sorry that this girl was a bit clueless and that this didn’t work out for you and Tiara.
Thanks Janine! Unfortunately the girl I was supposed to train on Thursday never showed up. Looks like this is going to be anything but easy.
xoxo tiffani
Wow, I can’t believe the agency didn’t screen her more before even sending her. You’d think they’d know beforehand what she was expecting. What’s worrisome is that I wonder whether they don’t have enough people to actually send somebody over who is the perfect person for the job. I hope you get help soon!
They do know, but they just don’t have any good people to choose between. Really sad but true. Thanks for stopping by.
xoxo tiffani
Aww! I feel like giving you a hug after reading your story. Of course the perfect caretaker for your daughter is there, it’s just a matter of finding her. Wishing you good luck.
Thanks Rosey, I hope you are right….. xoxo tiffani
I hope you find reliable care soon. Your job as mom sounds exhausting! Best of luck to you,
Nikki
Hi ! Well I feel for you. My son only has sensory processing disorder, which can look like ADHD, sometimes spectrum issues, and he has a tic disorder. I can’t tell you how many sitters have run screaming out of the door, even after I was very clear about his behavior and issues. I think this is a case of Florence Nightingale syndrome without the follow through! The right person is out there!