Are you afraid to talk about dying?

This is a very taboo subject but I think about it almost daily when I browse my social media feeds. I don’t consider myself a morose person, but death is something I think about often because it is everywhere. You can’t watch the news, listen to the radio or browse social media without hearing about the death of someone.

Yesterday I saw someone post F*** cancer because their seventy-five-year-old mother was just diagnosed. I instantly felt sympathy for this adult child and their parent who had just received a life sentencing diagnosis but then my mind went to where it usually goes…. We are all going to die, it is one of the few guarantees in life. So why is everyone so surprised when it happens to someone in their family?

If we are born, we will die. As I write this I’m not talking about the death of a child, a young parent, a husband in the prime of his life, a vibrant millennial making their mark on the world, a college student embarking on their journey into adulthood or someone who was taken their own life. Those deaths are beyond tragedies. Lives taken too soon, without reasons or answers as to how this could have happened. Parents, siblings, children, best friends, roommates, coworkers, and extended family members try to submerge from the pits of despair and find a way to continue living without that person in their life. As a parent who lost a sixteen-year-old child, I understand this type of loss and this isn’t what I’m referring to.

I’m referring to the irrational fear we have about discussing what will eventually happen to every person on the planet. Like most Americans, I was raised to fear death. If you don’t talk about it, maybe it won’t happen? This seems to be a prevalent theme in our culture.

Guess what people, even if you are the healthiest person on the planet, you are still going to die. So why don’t we talk about it and prepare for the end of our life so it isn’t so scary? When my daughter passed it was beautiful. After thirteen days on hospice, it was clear her time was near. Everyone in the family gathered and surrounded her bed. We put a wreath of silk flowers on her head, given to her by a former teacher. We found the brightest most beautiful blanket we owned and covered her body with it. We wrapped rosary beads around her hand and we prayed for her. We stroked her hands, her feet, and her beautiful face as we whispered words of love and encouragement letting her know it was okay to pass on and find peace. Yes it was devastating and I’m sobbing as I write this, but it is a beautiful memory I will cherish for the rest of my life.

Because Tiara was developmentally delayed she didn’t understand the concept of living her best life, but it came to her naturally. She loved singing out loud wherever she was, despite all the stares she received. She hugged so tightly she often had to be pulled loose, so not as to injure the recipient of her affection. She always said please and thank you for EVERYTHING and her smile could melt even the angriest of humans. She lived life to the fullest and found moments of enjoyment in each day despite what she was enduring at the moment. Can you say the same?

Taking care of Tiara was a gift from God because every day I was reminded of what is truly important in life. For sixteen years I had a constant reminder that our health, the people we love, the relationships we form and God are everything.

When our health is gone, we are only left with our soul. So, why not try and make our soul something to be proud of after we are gone from this earth? For this reason, I think it’s pretty important we live a life that creates a beautiful soul, so we can pass with peace, knowing we did everything possible to be a good human.

How does someone create a beautiful soul? I’m sure we could come up with a million different answers but I personally think it’s pretty simple. You don’t need any special gifts, advanced degrees, or skills to accomplish this task. I’m talking about living a life of integrity.

How can we do this? The ways I practice integrity are very simple. Be kind, show compassion, be honest, listen to others when they are talking, say please and thank you, smile at people, look people in the eyes, and basically be polite. Sometimes it is hard to do the right thing but once you develop a habit of it, it gets easier. A few simple examples:

When I feel the tension coming off the stressed-out guy behind me in line with only three items, I offer to let him go in front of me even though I only have ten items. I sense it will relieve some of his anxiety and it does. He responds with a smile, a thank you and a release of breath. Doing that small gesture was free except for the additional minute I spent in line and it made the man feel grateful to get out of the store quicker, it made me feel happy to help someone and everyone around us felt the shift in energy just from one small act. Random acts of kindness shouldn’t be saved for strangers but should also be practiced on family members.

For example, when I tell my husband, “Go away, get out, go to work,” which I do every other Monday after he has been home the whole weekend, I follow my rude dismissal with a kiss, an ” I love you,” and a packed lunch. Just because I always try to live a life of integrity doesn’t mean I’m always nice, or so my family always tells me. Sometimes being a brutally honest person isn’t always admired by your loved ones. It doesn’t mean I don’t yell, get annoyed, or frustrated because I’m human, so I’m very flawed. I’m so far from being perfect and yet the Virgo in me won’t let go of my constant need to strive to be better.

When I first started this post a few days ago, I wasn’t planning on going in this direction and yet my wandering thoughts took me to a different place than intended. I wanted to say: prepare for inevitable. Prepare your own soul for the future and mentally prepare yourself for the death of your loved ones. If you are fifty-something and your parents are still living, you are lucky! Realize now they won’t be here forever so if there is something missing in your relationship, you should fix it.

I can’t believe I just wrote the above sentence because I haven’t spoken to my parents in seven months. Am I a hypocrite? Maybe? I tried for years to rebuild our relationship and get along, but I failed. I love them both from afar because being together is more painful than being apart. My Dad’s 75th birthday is next week and I’ve been missing him desperately. He is such a wonderful man! I guess that’s why I’ve written this post. I’m preparing myself emotionally for the fact that my parents will die someday and I will be heartbroken but not surprised.

I will miss and mourn everyone who passes away but I won’t be surprised or devastated because I have faith in God and try to live a life with integrity.

My goals for death are this: I make it to Heaven, my funeral is at Our Lady of Mount Carmel, Tabitha or Trinity gives the eulogy, the flowers on my casket are bright and happy colors (pinks and purples), my casket will either be hot pink or turquoise like Tiara’s and I will be laid to rest at Pacific View in the plot next to Tiara. Lou will be already in the ground below me or later placed on top of me. The celebration after the burial should be fun with people drinking chardonnay, eating good food and telling stories about me and my goofy ways. Live, love and laugh like it’s your last. (I intentionally left out the word day, I like it better that way.

xoxo tiffani

If you haven’t bought Loving Tiara yet, you can enter to win a copy on my Goodreads Giveaway. Enter now, the contest ends next week. If you live locally and enjoy supporting small businesses you can pick up a copy at Seaside Gallery in Newport Beach.