I think I have mentioned before that Trinity is constantly embarrassed by my presence. It still shocks me at times and today she really threw me for a loop.
When Tiara and I pick her up from school everyday we used to walk onto campus and wait with all the other parents. I would drag along the ipod, the crayons, the coloring and anything else that would keep Tiara occupied. She usually ended up sitting on the ground and people had to maneuver around us. After constant complaints from Trinity about “how embarrassing we were” I came up with a new approach.
I started parking in the handicap spot directly outside the gate and she would just meet us at the car. She really appreciated not having to be embarrassed by Tiara and I on campus and everything was great until one day about 7 weeks ago. She got out early and she started to walk outside the gate and her teacher stopped her. She explained that Trinity couldn’t meet me at the car because it was against the rules. I had to walk in to get her or wait in the huge carpool line that backs up down the street unless you get in line 30 minutes before school lets out. I am rather intimidated by the carpool line and have never tried this method of picking up Trinity so I knew I would have to start walking in again.
Ever since her teacher clarified the rules Trinity insists I walk in to get her. So, I do. Today, I was waiting until the last minute to walk in and her best friends Mom came up to the car to visit with TT and I. I asked if she could grab Trin and walk her out with her own kids. Of course she agreed and out they came. As Trinity approached the car she appeared to be in a really foul mood. I braced myself for all the potential problems she was going to unload on me within minutes. As she got into the back seat she was glaring at me.
me: “Hi Hon, how was your day?”
trin: “Fine!”
me: ” You seem upset, let me roll up the windows and you can tell me what is wrong.” I assumed it had something to do with a classmate so I wanted to give her some privacy. “Ok, babe, what is wrong?”
trin: she pauses for 30 seconds, glares and sighs at me.
me: “Trin, what is wrong?”
trin: “I HAVE TOLD YOU SO MANY TIMES, YOU CAN’T WAIT IN THE HANDICAP SPOT!!!!” she yelled at me.
I was super shocked to learn that I was personally responsible for her crappy mood. I hadn’t seen her since she left for school this morning.
me: ” TRINITY, Ms. Kelly walked in and picked you up and escorted you to our car. She is on our list of people you are allowed to be released to, so I didn’t break the rules!”
trin: ” I don’t care Mom, I hate when you sit there waiting and everyone walks by and stares at you and TT.”
me: “I like seeing everyone. Most people wave or stop and say HI. Seriously Trinity, your sister is handicapped, we have a handicap placard and I am going to park in the handicap spot!”
trin: “If I went to Kaiser, could I walk home from school everyday?”
me: ” Are you asking to go back to the school you don’t like so you can walk home and avoid having me pick you up from school? Are you for real or is this a joke? You were terrified of attending that school which is why your father and I are paying tuition for private school.”
trin: ” Well, No, I don’t want to go there but can I start walking to school?”
me: ” You can ride your bike but it is too far to walk without someone else, it is over a mile.”
trin: ” Well I want to walk, so I am going to work on finding someone to walk with me!”
At this point I pulled into the driveway and Tiara and I walked into the house with Trinity lagging behind. I went straight to the kitchen and shoved 3 cookies in my mouth. I knew I was eating my feelings, but I didn’t care, I was so mad. Funny thing is I was stressing about something I can’t reveal to you but I finally resolved my issue today and I was feeling so happy when I picked her up from school and then her attitude just squashed my good mood.
If you ever want to find a way to ruin a good mood, hang out with your adolescent female daughters. They are professional at wiping the smile off your face with one swift word.
Happy Tuesday!
xoxo tiffani
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Oh boy. That was bad. And since I’m already such a “rebel,” for being honest I’ll share my own perspective.
I don’t know if this will make you feel better but trust this much, Trinity is NOT embarrassed by you. She is embarrassed by Tiara. The only way you fit into this is that you facilitate the display of Tiara’s antics that she’s embarrassed by.
Trinity is at an age that being exactly like everyone else (fitting in) is not only desired but actually healthy. Stages of the human ego evolve in necessary steps. At her age children unite, form bonds and desperately seek similarities. Having your friends repelled by your sister’s outbursts, grunts, gestures and antics is an easy way to become a social pariah. It isn’t until they’re out of high school that they actually appreciate uniqueness – in themselves and their peers. It wasn’t until my mid 20’s that I could sit in a restaurant with my older TSC-brother and not be completely mortified by his toddler-like antics. It wasn’t until then that it didn’t take an enormous chunk from my own self-esteem.
Trinity doesn’t have an adult’s perspective on this, as she’s still a little girl. She is embarrassed and it takes its toll. Her only perspective is feeling victimized by the embarrassment she doesn’t create for herself but that bleeds on her every single day. I feel for her.
Would it help Trinity if you did wait in the carpool lane? Would it help Trinity if you didn’t park your car in the handicapped spot when you’re not even going to exit/enter the car (particularly since that’s not the intended use for a handicapped placard)?
I love that you care so much about Trinity. You are partly right but funny enough she is embarrassed of me, but mostly of Tiara. Today she told me about a Mom that showed up at school and started cheering for the kids as they ran their mile. I asked her ” would you care if I cheered for you?” Her response, ” I would die Mom, don’t even think about it.” Thanks for sharing your perspective!