Well it has been almost 3 weeks since Tiara passed away and it has finally started to sink in, she’s really gone.
Today is the first day I have felt like crying several times and my heart feels heavy. Up until today I have been so busy, I haven’t stopped to think, but all of the sudden I felt it, ugh. I hate feeling down.
After spending 16 years of living on a roller coaster with the daily ups and downs of caring for her, all I know how to do is forge ahead. Tiara taught me to keep going and now I feel a little lost without her pushing me forward. I am staying strong for the rest of the family but really maybe I should be falling apart? The people closet to me are wondering and asking me when I am going to become a basket case? I have been doing way too good and I know I can keep going like this but I’m not sure I should? Maybe I should stop, slow down and feel the pain? Will that make it any better or make me feel worse? I’m not really sure but I’m still letting Tiara lead me. I have the huge portrait of her from the funeral above my computer and the crucifix that was on her casket to the right of the picture with her pink duct taped head phones hanging around the cross. It is my Tiara tribute and instead of making me cry, it makes me smile.
Last week Trinity and I looked at puppies online and I was ready to drive to the shelter the next day and pick one up but then I stopped and realized I needed a break from caring for anymore more work than Trinity. Trinity is pretty much on autopilot so a puppy would be way more work than her and I don’t think I’m up to it yet. When I woke up in the morning I told Trinity I needed more time. We would talk about it in March and being the perfect child that she is, she readily agreed.
So what have I been doing? I started working on my book again and have written two chapters but today I wasn’t in the mood to work on it. I reorganized all my jewelry yesterday which I haven’t done in probably 5 years. I re-organized Trinity’s room this weekend and the house is so clean I feel like I am living in my Mom or sister’s house, which actually feels really nice. After a walk this morning I hit 2 thrift stores looking for nightstands I could paint for Trinity’s room when all of the sudden I realized I was close to the Magnolia Bird Farm.
The Magnolia Bird Farm is the best place in the world if you want a bird. I don’t know if you know this but years ago I ended up breeding birds after I put two parakeets in a cage together. I thought they were both males but clearly I was wrong. I turned into quite the bird lady but at some point taking care of 14 birds, a dog, Tiara and the rest of the family became to much, so I had to sell the birds. The cool thing is the Bird Farm will buy your birds and any equipment you have, so it’s not like you have abandoned them. So today I realized, “Hey why don’t I get a bird so the house doesn’t seem so quiet?” Birds aren’t that much work and they make lots of noise! I need more noise, our house is silent.
I walked around the bird farm and was instantly drawn to the parakeets because I love the chirping sound they constantly make. The owner started talking about breeding, taking them out of the cage and working with them and I started to get overwhelmed. Way too much! I almost left the store but then made another pass through the aviary. He came out to talk to me again and I told him my daughter had passed away and I just wanted a bird who would be happy in a cage by itself and didn’t need working with. He steered me towards a male Canary.
He said they don’t make much mess, they are happy by themselves, and he will sing to me. Ok, perfect. We spent lots of time trying to pick the one he thought would sing the most and I ended up buying a yellow male. Trinity named him Mickey. Yes, short for Micky D’s in honor of Tiara’s daily McDonald’s trip. He sang a little bit when I got him home but now he is silent. Apparently the owner said I can exchange him if he doesn’t start singing but he is really cute and sweet, so I hope he starts making some noise soon because I don’t have the heart to return him just because he isn’t loud enough.
Thank you for all the wonderful comments, prayers, love and support. I truly appreciate each and every email, comment or note even if I can’t respond.