My life has gotten so pathetic lately I’m finding making small talk with other Moms at school has become immensely difficult. Most of the Mom’s I speak too know about my life with Tiara and then when I mention we are selling our house they usually say with excitement, “Oh, where are you moving to?”
me: ” I don’t know, a rental somewhere.” Smile
them: Deer in the head lights look. I see them trying to come up with something kind, witty or anything to say to my comment and I actually feel sorry for them. What do you say to a woman who has a disabled child with brain tumors, daily seizures, autism, is violent and now has to sell her house and doesn’t know where she is going? Awkward!
Then they notice I have a big bloody scab above my lip and my arms look like they have been attacked by a cat. More silence as she pretends not to notice the scabs she was just starring at.
The conversation then continues with something like: ” it must be hard keeping the house clean all the time?”
me: “Yay, it is.”
I then usually try to say good-bye and walk away because I’ve got nothing else to say and I am sure they would be grateful for my exit. If I can’t walk away without seeming like a total freak I usually ask about their upcoming weekend. Oh, another bad topic.
After she tells me about all the sporting events she must attend for her children along with the dinner party she is attending for her friends 45th birthday and of course managing multiple play dates and sleepovers she says:
her: “Are you guys doing anything fun this weekend?”
me: “Nope. Lou is working and we will be home watching the fart video” That’s my life people. Watching a fart video and or changing the songs on Tiara’s ipod.
Oh, I forgot you don’t know what the fart video is. Well, the fart video is an 18 second video taken in January when Tiara was in the hospital. Tabitha takes different videos and sends them to Tiara’s ipad so she has something to watch. Somehow Tiara manages to erase them all the time, so we constantly have to make new ones.
In this video Tabitha is begging Lou to fart for the camera and he keeps refusing. He finally does it and then Tabitha calls him a freak and disgusting. The end. Tiara loves this video more than anything. She especially likes when I put it on the flat screen in the family room, via apple airplay. Since it is only 18 seconds I have to tap the arrow every 19 seconds or she freaks out. If you leave her to try and do it herself she loses the video and then starts yelling, “It’s broke, it’s broke.”
As I sit there pushing play over and over again, 100’s of times each day, I usually contemplate the question, “How could this be my life?” God nor the universe seem to have a good answer for me so I usually try and think of something other than my life. That’s when it gets really difficult.
Since I don’t really shop, haven’t been cooking much, and have no plans to fix my house or garden, and can’t bare to think of all the tragedies going on in the world each day, I don’t even have much to think about. That’s when I get close to tears and wonder if I could be doing something different to make my life better?
See it goes like this: I’m exhausted, grumpy, dirty and Tiara wants my full attention at all times. Along with trying to be a decent mother to the other two and pay Lou some attention, I struggle with finding the time to write my blog lately. My thought process goes something like this:
“Should I write now and chance it she will get mad, scratch me, pull my hair or destroy the house I have to keep immaculate for showings or will I sit next to her pushing play on the ipad?” I have been choosing the latter but it is starting to mess with my mood, attitude and overall being.
Thank goodness a reader saved me from my own pity party on Saturday when she posted this on my Facebook timeline.
“Hope all is going well with you. We do notice when there are no posts. I thought your post about “What I was meant to do” this was inspiring. God did have his plan for you and your family…part of his plan was to make the rest of us appreciate all that we have. You rock Joan of Arc!
Thank you Karen for reminding me that I have another purpose other than pushing play on the ipad.
Prayers and Gratitude to every man and woman who has served in the Armed Forces and lost their lives while fighting to protect ours. Happy Memorial Day!!!