This past weekend was really long and kinda depressing for a few reasons. Of course the first 2 reasons center around Tiara, her health and her horrible behavior and the last one is about money. This is what happened.
Two weeks ago the common cold managed to find it’s way into our house again despite my obsessive handwashing. Tiara and I both got sick but I recovered very quickly. In the whole history of Tiara’s life, that being 14 years, only one time can I remember her getting a regular virus and not needing antibiotics. Of course antibiotics don’t help a virus, but invariably the simple virus ALWAYS turns into a secondary infection. Either a sinus infection, bronchitis or pneumonia, which all require antibiotics. Before her last hospital stay after Christmas she was taking Augmentin and developed cold sores all over her mouth. The doctor said she was allergic to Augmentin and could no longer take it. I was pretty stressed about this because Augmentin has been her go to antibiotic for years, aside from the Z-pack (Zithromax).
So last week I could tell her cold had turned into a sinus infection so I brought her to the doctor’s. He prescribed the Z-pack and everything was fine until she started itching her vaginal area like crazy. This probably isn’t a subject you want to hear about on a Monday morning but it is my reality everyday. Since Tiara wears a diaper she always has some kind of rash down there. She is always complaining about itching and everyday I try to assess which is the best type of cream to apply. I rotate between Desitin, A&D ointment, Cortisone cream for the leg area with eczema and Vagisil for yeast infections. Needless to say nothing I put on was working and she couldn’t even sleep through the night Thursday, she was itching so bad.
The rash looked worse than normal, so I called the doctor Friday morning. They prescribed another medicine for yeast infections over the phone, as their office was swapped with patients. The new medicine seemed to help so Friday night Lou, Tiara and I went to the Yard House for dinner. Trin was at a play date so it was just the three of us and she was an absolute angel. She was so good, Lou and I were pinching ourselves. But by the time we got to the car her old self had returned. She started kicking me in the head while Lou was driving and pulling my hair. Over the past week I have noticed her behavior had been escalating and assumed it was from being sick, or rather I am praying it is only a response to the illness.
Saturday morning I woke up and as I was feeding her breakfast when she complained about her mouth. Hummm. I looked at her lips and there I saw the familiar beginnings of 2 huge cold sores like the ones she gets from taking Augmentin. How could this be? She then complained about her breathing and I went to get her nebulizer. I set it up for her and went to the computer to do a little research. It appears that if someone has been chronically sick and has a suppressed immune system they can easily start getting allergic to antibiotics they have taken for years. The website also went on to describe a rash, “that could itch” which could also be a sign of an allergy to antibiotics. WOW, now she is allergic to Z-pack! I also realized why none of the medicines I had been putting on her vaginal area were working, because the Z-pack was the culprit.
I spent the next few minutes contemplating what this meant for Tiara. What if she began to get allergic to every antibiotic? How could she survive, when she is always sick? Will she eventually need to be hospitalized for every virus? Will a simple infection kill her? Too depressing to think about, so I moved on with a heavy heart. Lou went to the gym and we were bored so Trinity and I thought it might be fun to go to the Farmer’s Market in CDM.
Big mistake! She she acted worse than horrible and both Trinity and I were miserable after 10 minutes headed straight back to the car. She kept hitting us both and refusing to get back in the car. Trinity sat in the car and I sat on the sidewalk for 15 minutes while we waited for her to decide it was time to go home and get back in the car. Once we got home, Lou offered to take Trinity miniature golfing and Tiara climbed into bed. It was noon. I felt so tired, I climbed in with her and we slept until 2:00p.m. I felt like I could have slept forever, that is until my Mom arrived ringing the doorbell to bring me some orchids. Truth me told I was really depressed about Tiara, her sudden return to horrible behavior, her allergy to the Z-pack and the fact that we had just got paid that day and I had to face the bills.
The next big stress in my life, paying the bills. Every month more money goes out than comes in. It has been like this for 8 years, and we have been able to keep ourselves a float but the raft is about to pop. I want to just throw in the towel, but for the first time in 8 years Lou has a job that could get us out of this rut. Of course it takes time, but my nerves are frayed. Having to worry about every penny and take care of Tiara and provide the other girls with everything they need is too much. I want to stop paying for our house and use the money to pay off our credit cards and hope the bank will finally agree to give us the loan modification they have refused us twice. Lou wants to keep paying everything, while putting ourselves more in debt and make it work until we see more income from his new job.
After the bill discussion and my nap to escape my life, I realized Trinity looked as depressed as me. I decided her and I needed some alone time. We left Tiara with Lou and went to Balboa Island. We walked up and down the main street holding hands. We were actually able to walk into the stores and look around because we didn’t have Tiara with us. We only had 45 minutes of freedom but it felt like an eternity. Of course throughout our short un-interupped time together I once again thought about what I always think about when I spend time away from Tiara.
Is this what it’s like to have a”normal” life?
Someday I will have one but when that day comes it means Tiara is no longer with us, so I don’t pray for my life to be “normal”, I’m not ready.
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