I have been trying to come up with a good idea for my Monday posts since I concluded “My Journey with Tiara,” and Tabitha finally came up with a great idea for me on Friday night. “How about Memorable Monday’s Mom? “Love it!” Memorable Monday’s will mostly be funny memories from my life, of course some may be sad, but mostly they will make you laugh on Monday mornings, which we all need! So here we go…
Twenty years ago this month I was expecting my first baby, Tabitha. My strikingly handsome obstetrician ( super awkward to have such a cute OBGYN) declared the 2nd week of December ” you are going to have a Christmas baby, so be prepared!”
Since she wasn’t expected to arrive until January, I was a little surprised but super happy because I wasn’t sure how much fatter I could get. I weighed 128 lbs on my wedding day, February 28 and by December I was tipping the scales at 200lbs. WOW, is right.! I guess it was my daily diet of donuts for breakfast, McDonald’s for lunch, followed by buckets of vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce after dinner every night while sitting on the couch watching McGuiver. A little different than my salad days while pregnant with Trinity. I guess when you are pregnant at 22 you eat what ever the heck you want, or rather I did.
Christmas came and went and no baby arrived, I was seriously pissed. My parents had come for Christmas and were waiting around for Tabitha to arrive until my Dad finally had to go home for a court case on January 5, of course the day she decided to show up. That day, my Mom and I walked and walked around the mall in an attempt to push out the baby. When we got home from the mall my Mom made dinner and I was on the phone with Lou begging him to come home from work. Guess much hasn’t changed in 20 years. Either way as I plopped onto the couch my water broke and gushed everywhere. Wasn’t sure if I had just wet my pants or what, but finally figured it out. A little bit gross and scary at the same time.
I screamed in the phone at Lou to come home and immediately called my doctor. He told me to come right to the hospital but I said ” I have plenty of time, I will wait for my husband to come home and bring me there.” Even back then I thought I knew more than the doctors. I went up to my bedroom to make sure I had my bag ready and my Mom followed me up and said:
mom:”Tiffani, you have to take a shower and wash your hair. You didn’t wash it today and it will look terrible at the hospital.”
me: “Mom, I don’t think I am supposed to do that?”
mom: “Trust me, I had 2 kids, it is fine. Quickly wash your hair, I will stand by the shower and make sure you don’t fall or anything and then I will braid your hair.”
me: “I guess, but I am in a lot of pain.”
mom: ” You’ll be fine. You will thank me later when your hair is clean in the hospital and everybody is staring at you and the new baby.”
Not sure I was going to thank her later but I listened and got in the shower. The labor pains were really getting bad and as I got out of the shower I knew I needed to get my butt to the hospital or else.
mom: “hurry, get on your knees and let me french braid your hair, since we don’t have time to dry it.”
me: “Is this a joke? Seriously, I can’t get on my knees, Mom I am in pain here.”
I am guessing you know what happened. I got down on my knees so she could properly braid my hair since I am taller than her and then she added some red lipstick to my huge puffy swollen face. Not a good idea, I looked really weird in the pics right before she was born. As you can see from this picture.
Lou finally showed up and we left for the hospital with my sister. My sister lived with us at the time and was going to be in the delivery room with us and take the video of the birth. My Mom asked to be in the room and I said “NO!” “I don’t want you bossing me around and talking incessantly to everyone, I need this to be peaceful.” Clearly the french braiding, shower and labor pains had gotten to me and suddenly I was a crazy angry pregnant woman about to chew someone’s head off. “You can come to the hospital but keep quiet!”
She took her own car and met us there about an hour later.
Once Lou, my sister and I arrived, I insisted on carrying my own bag down the hallway. I refused a wheelchair and stomped all the way to labor and delivery while yelling at my loved ones trailing behind me. I suddenly hated them both and everyone else in my sight. We got to our room and the nurse checked me and declared,
“Oh, No, you are already dilated at 7! If we don’t get the epidural in you soon, it will be too late and the anesthesiologist is busy with another patient.”
Lou looked terrified at the thought I couldn’t get the epidural. He went in search of the doctor to beg him to see me next. Apparently, 3 other women had just arrived to have babies, so there was a line for the anesthesiologist.
All of the sudden my adorable doctor showed up, followed by my mother. He was a fairly new OBGYN and liked to stay for most of the delivery process which is totally unheard of. After he checked me he took a seat on the arm chair and was hanging out talking to Lou. Once my Mom started telling the story of my birth and how she drove herself to the hospital, I told her to leave, but she refused. I then told my doctor “tell my Mom to leave, kick her out.” He wasn’t sure what to do. I was yelling at everyone and finally I agreed to let her stay and witness the birth of her grandchild if she stayed in the corner and didn’t make a peep. Yeah, right, like that could ever happen. She actually was so scared of me she stood like a statute in the corner.
Luckily I got bumped in line and in walked the anesthesiologist to do my epidural. As he was explaining the procedure to Lou and I, he was looking at my sister. He then started blatantly flirting with my sister as I was balancing on the bed getting ready for him to stick that huge needle in my spine. Lou was about to faint, my Mom looked paralyzed in fear as she looked at the needle and my sister was chatting it up with the doctors. While all this was going on inside my room, outside the room was even more of a circus. Lou had called his family and friends to announce I was having the baby and they all felt compelled to show up.
Yes it was nice, but his parents were divorced and not on friendly terms so Lou kept pacing the room totally stressing out about his parents sitting in the same room together. I just couldn’t take it anymore and started screaming at him “grow up and stop worrying about your f***ing parents and worry about me birthing our first child.”
It was finally time to push and I panicked. My sister was situated behind my head filming, Lou was holding my hand, my Mom was being super good in the corner, standing like a statute and I was trying to push out the baby while the Tom Arnold show was on TV in the background. It was the most chaotic, unpeaceful delivery you could ever imagine. Just as the head was crowning and I was almost done pushing, I gave one more big push and Tabitha practically flew out. She came out so quick, the doctor almost dropped her. When we watched the video back, we realized how lucky we were the doctor was able to hold on to Tabi and she didn’t fall to the ground. It was time to cut the umbilical cord and as Lou did it, blood squirted into Tabitha’s eye and she started crying. Super typical. The nurse rushed to clean off her eye and then my adorable doctor handed Tabitha to: MY SISTER. What the hell? Clearly he was trying to get on her good side too, guess he was trying to one up the anesthesiologist. Finally I got to hold her and as I looked down at her beautiful face Lou says:
“I know we agreed to name her Tabitha months ago, but she really does look like a Harley. Do you think we should switch back to Harley? NO, LOU, we have been calling her Tabitha for months and that is her name. Don’t even think about switching her name!!!
The whole parade of people started filing in the room to see Tabitha, the first grandchild and great grandchild on both sides.
Happy Monday and just know I left out the gory details of the family dynamics, it was even worse than I hinted at. Gotta love family!
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