So yesterday Tiara had a long overdue check up with her neurologist at UCLA. I have been trying to get her appointment since last December but they couldn’t get her in until yesterday. FYI, they have the best epilepsy department on the West Coast but you can’t really ever get in to see the doctor so the whole process can be extremely frustrating. Tiara had not seen her doctor since last September, yes, 8 months ago, even though she has 4-6 seizures everyday, and is violent. Wow, anyway I have been communicating with her doctor via email and ran into a little issue recently so I was hoping the appointment would go well. I adore her neurologist and in the past we have had a great relationship but due to a series of events which I would rather not discuss we ran into a little problem recently.
Anyways, we made the drive up and she was really good as long as I kept playing Jack and Diane by John Mellencamp, her new favorite song and so much better than the Titanic theme song. Upon arrival we decided she didn’t need her wheelchair as it was 1pm and she was pretty steady on her feet. So we started our little routine into the medical center whereas we stop at the first bathroom for Mommy to quickly do her business. The whole time we are in the bathroom I have to remind Tiara not to sit on the floor, UGH. After washing our hands we take the elevator up to the second floor where we find they have removed the fish tank from the area where you wait to check in. Such a bummer because all the kids loved to look at the fish. Yet we were able to observe the terrified yuppie couple in front of us, wait their turn. Dad was in designer jeans and a button up to match his gorgeous wife dressed in mini sundress with wedge heels and a french manicure on her toes. Their beautiful daughter looked like every other baby in Newport with a matching bow and designer stroller but at the UCLA clinic they stood out like a beat up Chevy parked on the Port Streets. They looked so terrified and yet I so remember being in their shoes 12 years ago. I wanted to give them a little pep talk but sometimes I tend to stick my nose in where it doesn’t belong and so I decided to mind my own business for once. Once it was our turn, we were greeted by our favorite receptionist who knows us by name.
We then headed over to the waiting area where Tiara colored and dropped her crayons all over the disgusting carpet and I got to keep picking them up as she dropped them over and over again. This is a common theme. Once in the exam room we were greeted by an adorable resident who was in his last rotation for peds neurology. Unlike some of the residents, he really seemed to know his stuff and didn’t ask my any stupid questions about her birth and her medical history for the last 13 years. Yes, they actually ask me those questions, and I usually sigh and roll my eyes. Hate to be rude, but really, you want 13 years of medical history. Tiara was on the phone with her Grandma when he came in so she wouldn’t look at him or talk to him. After he left, he then returned with her neurologist. Once again Tiara wouldn’t talk to either of them but she started her moaning routine. Sometimes when she is tired she will start moaning when she is on the phone with her Grandma and it sounds really weird and awkward so I told her she had to hang up. She is obsessed with her Grandma and making her get off the phone is the same as taking away her crayons. You know what, hits the fan. Well that is when all the problems started. She immediately plopped herself down on my lap and put me in a head lock. The male doctor jumped to his feet and tried to distract while the female doctor started saying “oh, gentle, gentle.” I finally got myself free but my hair was all disheveled but I told them to continue I was listening. She then made a bee line for the door wherein I beat her there and pushed all my weight against it to prevent her from opening it. They didn’t stop talking this time, as they probably realized we better get through this or something bad was going to occur. She gave up and headed back to the table, climbed up and started throwing crayons across the room, I scrambled to pick them up while listening. She decided her approach wasn’t effective enough so she just dumped the whole container on the floor. When I went down to pick them up she grabbed my pony tail and started pulling. She then thought it would be a great idea to grab a hold of my tank top and pull it to the side so both of the doctors could see my boob. I think, or rather I hope, Iwas quick enough from preventing the peep show. Once again the male doctor came to my rescue, as her doctor was quickly writing out the prescriptions.
Once we finally got out of there we made our usual pit stop in the snack store where she gets rewarded for her visit with a bag of Frito’s and a Gatorade. Always a reward for good behavior, ha ha. Once in the car, I do my usual 5 deep breaths and prepare myself for the drive home. I get her drink positioned, the music to the right song, the crayon box and paper up front. OK, here we go onto the 405 freeway. Once on the freeway everything is going smoothly until she asks to call her Grandma again. As suggested by the doctors and all the behaviorists I need to break her obsessions that are not healthy or destructive so I said, ” No you already talked to Grandma for 30 minutes, you can call her tomorrow if you are a good girl for the drive home.” Well, she didn’t like that, and started grabbing my shirt while I was going 65 in the carpool lane, and you know I HATE THE CARPOOL LANE. I screamed at the top of my lungs until she stopped and my throat hurt. Still hurting today, actually. She then took off her shoe and threw it at my face hitting my glasses. I started to panic as I wasn’t sure if I should move over 5 lanes and get off the freeway or keep going and try to calm her down. I decided to call Lou for help. Once he answered I quickly explained the dangerous situation I was in and he started talking to her. “Let’s pray TT.” He then asks her who she wants to pray for? She goes through everyone’s name, “Nana, Chris, Jack, Grandma, Habi, Trin Trin, ” and then Lou comes up with a prayer for each one of them. It is totally working and my panic has subsided and been replaced with hysteria when Lou starts praying for the color blue. Her favorite color is blue and he starts this whole monologue about blue crayons, blue stinkers, (yes,really), blue prayers, blue underwear, blue socks, blue shirts, on and on he went. She was loving it and he talked us all the way home for 30 minutes until he knew I was safely in the driveway.
When he came home from work we were laughing about the whole “blue stinkers” conversation. He then told me people were walking by his office and looking at him like he was a complete freak. He is a manager at Mercedes Benz of Anaheim and his office is right in front with the door open and all glass, so everyone walking by could hear him on the phone with TT. Some ladies actually seemed horrified but he just kept on talking about the fact that he was wearing blue underwear, blue socks, etc. Ha, Ha. Luckily he has a good reputation.